The Benjamin Bunch

I Need To Move To Australia

2011-03-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

I was in literary heaven. I admit I have a writer's crush on Markus Zusak. You may be saying, "Wait, is this like the really strange crush thing you have for Kevin Spacey?" which is a WHOLE other story. Anyway, ever since I read The Book Thief it has become apparent that Zusak is my favorite author of all time. And then when I read I Am the Messenger there could be no doubt at all. Lo and behold, my dreams came true when I found this icon was coming to the Provo library. Yes, you heard me right. Provo, got him and I had to go. My friends Cami and Annalisa, who was due to give birth the very next day jumped into a car and hightailed it to an extremely cool location. Who knew Provo had such a happening library and the architecture couldn't be beat. Wait, forget the architecture, the next thing I know an ADORABLE guy walks through the door and 500 of us are in a frenzy of hero worship.

The only things I knew about this man were his words between book covers and his picture on the back flap. Let me tell you, he is even more charming, humble, and amazing then I could have imagined. He signed copies of his books for 500 people and we were 75th on the list and we waited in line for an hour and a half. He spoke with EVERY person for a few minutes and by the time we saw him he was exhausted and chugging down A&W root beer. He drew pictures in everybody's books and I was able to tell him what his words mean to me, how they are living things, and he told me how much that means to hear that.

He gave the most awesome talk before he read an expert from The Book Thief. He says he writes a story so that people will believe him. He said he is the owner of the story because of the small details only he can tell. He says the reader will have a reaction when something unusual happens. He said has edited his pieces upwards of 150-200 times. He said that in his writing he doesn't posses a lot of imagination, just a lot of problems and it is through trying to solve those problems that his stories take flight. He said in his writing of The Book Thief that he wanted to write a book that meant something to him, but by the end he had written a book that meant everything to him. He also talked about how accessing creativity is like waiting for a wild animal to come out of its hole. If you try and put your hand in you will get bitten.

I know this is going to sound make me sound like the nerd that I am, but it was one of the greatest days of my life. I love that I got to meet and talk to one of the people who has not only greatly impacted my life as a reader, but as a writer and after meeting him, as a human being as well. Markus Zusak = class act.

Breathe

2010-09-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

I watch my daughter breathe in the tornado. Fascinated, terrified, stupefied. What is this grasping for air? Where does it come from? The day before toilet paper and Kleenex littered the hallway, entire rolls hinted an early Charmin frost. She only had a cold.

Now she is choking on her own bile, unable to draw breath and part of me is embarrassed we are over an hour early to her pediatrician's office. The stupid part. It's just a bad cough, right?

They are rushing her back to an empty room. They hook her up to oxygen, her levels so low, our amazing doc rushes in.

"We need an ambulance now. She needs to go to the hospital or she is not going to make it through the night."

I make a few calls, probably not making sense, my voice cracking through the receiver, my core quaking with a tremor I am still carrying piggy back on my shoulders.

The EMT's put her in the ambulance. I am immediately car sick, heart sick, love sick as I jostle in my seat belt beside her. I stare in blue eyes. They stare at a stuffed pig dangling from the ambulance ceiling. Jason, our EMT, hands it to two chubby hands, but I am the only one who grabs it. He talks to her as he administers oxygen. We both strain to hear her answers.

How old are you sweetheart? "Three."
How old is your dolly? (she has brought it with us) "Sixteen."
Sixteen, really? Can she drive? "Yes."

We are going about 90 miles an hour. Blessedly, the sirens remain off. She would have been beside herself. She is already afraid and exhausted. Four docs are waiting. They love her on sight. She does not disappoint them. After a monster breathing treatment where she looks like she belongs in a B1 bomber, she begins to relax. She waves, blows kisses, makes faces, asks for things she has no intention of eating or drinking. I count. They have brought her 6 cups of ice water.

"More ice cubes."

Her dad asks for a Coke. So does she. I jump forward three feet. NO.
She collects 4 granola bars, 2 string cheeses, and an orange and apple juice. She touches nothing.

They give her a steroid and another breathing treatment. She makes piggy noises underneath the mask which has the attending doc in stitches. Is she breathing in the smoke or blowing it in his direction? Her heart rate's up afterward. She's jittery and keeps says she needs to go now. The RU doc comes in.

Who else lives with you princess? (He has asked if she prefers her name or her daddy's nickname for her and she assures him he is to call her princess.)
"My brother. But I want a sister and another brother and a kitty."
Do you have a kitty at home?
"No, but we are all kitties," indicating her dad and I.

Is she meowing? And then she's singing "Busy Bee," and aria she's created in the ER though we all shush her as we are crying with the joy of her sharing the music she can't help but share anytime, anywhere.

She falls asleep after a few more breathing treatments. Her oxygen plummets, the alarm goes off again and again. More breathing, chap-stick on parched lips. They try to attach the oxygen around her nose. She screams. She fights. She rips it out and the screams reverberate against frazzled nerves. She's not fully awake, I explain. She is done. Music is not calming her down and she it hitting the nurse away. Exhaustion is overpowering her , but still she fights. I hold her in my arms. I almost drop her, but no one is connected to her as I am. I know her anger, her fear, I know about being loud, about self preservation. I am not afraid of her screams. They are as familiar to me as mine are to her and I stroke the hair plastered on her head. I tell her the story of the Wizard of Oz.

My back is bone and fire. She is dead weight with an attitude. The ruby slippers calm her, Dorothy calms. her. Dorothy overpowering the wicked witch, losing her voice in the tornado.

"Where did her voice go, Mama?" The storm was so strong and so powerful when she called her Aunty Em's name, her voice got lost in the wind.

"Will it come back?" Yes, the storm will pass by and it will be awful, but then it goes away and it's quiet again.

She settles against the pillow and the Albuterol resumes it's healing breath. I watch her fog up the mask. How did an unconscious movement of the diaphragm drawing in life giving gas get to be such hard work?

Breathing has reduced my pain. By learning to breathe the right way, my thoracic pain is diminished, cervical pain reduced. Breathing done correctly brings blood flow to injured areas, strengthens my core, and is taking inches off my belly. It has taken me about two months in PT to get it right and I'm still working on it. Breath is bringing me strength.

1.2.3.4.5. Blow out the candles, sweetheart. Good job, sweetie, you gave such a big breath!
"The tomato won't take it away."
The nurse stops and looks at my daughter. What?
"I don't like the tomato. It took Dorothy's breath away."
I supply that I think she means tornado.

Do tornadoes have warnings?
Somehow my husband was home that day. Somehow my dear friend texted me to have my son come to her house after school before required homework and chores, which I am an absolute stickler for. He is not there to be terrified as they take his beloved Sis away. My hubby is there to carry, to shoulder, to process what I cannot and to run around as I snuggle with her, as I breathe with her. In and out, the new way I've been taught. I need help to do it right.

So does my daughter.

She still has her breath and her voice.

Praise God, the tornado didn't take it away.

*Thank you to every angel who loves our baby girl. She will be just fine. She had an asthma attack brought on by a common cold. We have the best family and friends in the world. Thank you.

How Do You Compete With A Chick In Four Wheel Drive?

2010-05-26T21:16:00.001-07:00

Good news:

My daughter can sing.

Bad news:

Only dogs can hear it.

Good news:

No matter how high her range, she stays on key. She’s fabulous.

Incidentally, excuse the sideways video. This is one of my favorites EVER. I love how she prepares for a minute at the beginning and I'm pretty sure a little burp escapes during a high note...this makes me ridiculously happy.

Good news:

Friday is my son’s last day of third grade and he still has three pairs of uniform pants.

Bad news:

Wasn’t able to remove the pink bubblegum from out of his pockets. Retired the fourth pair.

Good news:

The other three are covered with red Popsicle, a ball point pen explosion, and one is just "holey". Though there was nothing holy about my reaction to any pair of these now tie dyed khaki catastrophes.

If they just can stay in one multicolored piece through Friday, we’re golden.

Good news:

My husband got a bonus for passing his big ole’ monster test.

Bad news:

Layla, the second wife with a muffler, got sick. The repair bill is more than the spouse with a stick shift is worth and will cost more than the bonus.

Good news:

Hubby got a deal and now like Seinfeld the whole exchange of money will make us even steven. Easy come…easy go.

Good news:

Scored U2 tickets.

Bad news:

The U2 concert is delayed.

Good news:

Now there’s a chance to sell them and earn $ for the wife with wheels.

I’m not jealous of her at all in case that wasn’t crystal clear.

Good news:

I found a clinic HERE in the valley to work with my TOS. Just got the OK from the folks in Denver. They know their stuff. This is HUGE. I would have loved to work with them for the last 5 years.

Bad news:

They aren’t preferred providers under any insurance plan, let alone mine. They are around $85 a pop and I should be going to them several times a week.

Good news:

Occasionally I do filing in my hubby’s office. Yes, I am a part-part-part time file clerk. Not sure my pay will cover this one, but I may be able to afford a quarterly tune up.

Great now I sound like the jeep…

Maybe Layla and I really are sister wives.

Sorry honey, both your girls need an overhaul.

And possibly a paint job.

At least one of us is a cuddler...

A Post That Has No Name

2010-04-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am in a hurry. I am stressed and trying to get everything situated so I can leave in a few minutes for the evening. My patience is paper thin.

In the background I hear my son say to his sister, “Sshhh…Let’s be really quiet and then maybe Mommy won’t get mad anymore.”

Time stops and I am in a modest living room adorned with house plants. House plants I dote on; arrayed in terra cotta with nutritive spikes imbedded in warm soil. I am kneeling in front of a forest green micro fiber couch, sunlight spilling onto my back like warm abashment. I am young, I am thin, my hair is undone and I have much to learn.

I speak out loud caught up in the words. “Please Father. If you give me a son, like Hannah of old, I will raise him up unto Thee.” I knew what the words meant, but I didn’t understand what the words meant.

For almost four years I had pled for a child. I was close, so close. We knew within weeks I was pregnant and I would like to think it was that prayer, but my thrice weekly visits with a reflexologist for the past eight months could have made an impact as well. I think both events conjoined into the space and time in which I was ready to receive him.

I thought mothering would come easily to me. I was the oldest child, had been babysitting since I was 11, and had been a preschool teacher for years. I was told I had a way with children and could often be found surrounded by them since I was like a big child myself. To my dismay it did not. When my son was laid into my arms, I had the connection; the heaven meets earth connection where you’re allowed a glimpse into that heavenly sphere in order to take your child as he is placed into your arms by God himself. It was that moment that I fell in love with the future, with my own potential, with a creature who stared into my eyes like the ancient sage that he is. I knew I was in possession of a spirit who dwarfed mine, an intelligence who the Lord saw fit in his mercy to send me.

My spirit reached out and shook his hand. “Nice to meet you, sir,” my spirit seemed to say, but all my frail tabernacle could blurt out was, “Hi Bubby.”

I handed him off to my husband for a bath. I was a little afraid to take control of his little life. I hesitated in nursing him, in changing him, in bathing him. I had the baby blues, but would not recognize it for months. Our days were little and orderly. If I stuck to a schedule, I was okay. I read The Baby Whisperer and stuck to her schedule by the letter. It was the EASY plan: Eat, Activity, Sleep, You time. Both of us thrived. We knew exactly what to expect from each other at any given time. I took a lot of pictures and wrote in his baby book. I stayed pretty much to myself. It was RSV season and I didn’t take him to church. I didn’t like anyone to hold him…I didn’t like going to the mailbox. I got frustrated with my husband more and easily. My son’s head had been squished when the OB used the forceps and I was afraid to touch it, afraid I would break him. I kept a hat on his head. I was terrified he would get hurt, or sick.

He grew and he was as delightful a child as I have ever known. He was calm, temperate, and engaged. His eyes were wise and he was patient with my awkward attempts to do the smallest tasks for his comfort. My husband and I struggled to find our place during this time and to make matters worse, he would lose his job. The added stress of having him at home trying to find work was taking a toll.

The bishop approached us one afternoon in our home and prayed with us. He told us that he felt inspired that we should put our home on the market immediately and move into my parent’s basement apartment. We were stunned and we didn’t want to do that, but we did not question him. We both looked at each other and nodded our heads. It never occurred to us to say anything, but yes. We were stressed. We were arguing. There was so much to be done. This was our first home and it was small and we needed to repaint the kitchen.

We had had an argument and my husband was outside washing the windows and I was inside cleaning the walls. My hair was in my face and I ran up to get a clip. I put my little boy in his bouncy seat onto the counter for a second while I was gone and as I descended the stairs I watched in slow motion as my heart, my breath bounced himself off that countertop and onto the tile floor still in his seat and with it landing on top of him. Part of me left in that moment. Perhaps this sounds dramatic, but I can honestly say I have not gotten that piece back. I have looked for it since, but it left that day. I don’t remember a lot after that. Yelling maybe, agony, me lying under his crib, crucifying myself for my negligence, his vomiting, lethargy, sitting in an ambulance, the young EMT holding my hand as my husband filled out paperwork. The young man who looked into my eyes and must have seen that I was not okay, who gave me his card in case I needed to talk. The helicopter descending because the ambulance would have been too slow, the stuffed alligator I placed onto the gurney, the deflation of emotion as I was told I could not fly with him, kneeling in the grass because I was unable to stand, watching him fly away not knowing if I would see him ever again, knowing I had broken my child. Then there was the man who appeared off the sidewalk and sat by me, the same man who asked me if that baby was my son, the same man who told me as I willed my head up and down, that my baby would be okay and then was not beside me anymore.

We broke every speed law and reached Primary Children’s in eight minutes from West Jordan. We were met by a grief counselor. Somehow my parents were already there. The bishop was there, some friends were there. How did they all know? How did they all get there so fast? I don’t remember seeing them really. Deep inside I knew he was going to be okay. I clung to that, but the grief counselor made it seem like they just didn’t know and it was as if I walked two roads. I was there in the hospital, but I was being led along in another place as well. I asked to see him. He was alone in a large room. The nurse said he had cried himself to sleep. The IV was sticking out of his head because they couldn’t find a vein, the stuffed alligator laid beside him. I cried then, cried for the minutes I had lost with him. I held his hand and stroked it. My husband, bishop, father and our friend encircled him and the bishop spoke. He blessed my son that he would be fully healed. That he had a great work to perform on this earth. They left. All of them left. I sat beside my son and that room was filled to capacity. All of the souls who loved my son, all of the souls who loved me engulfed that white sterile space as sure as if I was in the temple of my God, as sure as we were in Heaven itself. I can not explain it well enough to do it justice. But I knew. I knew we were surrounded-it was crowded in there. The phone rang and it jarred me. A friend called. She was hysterical. I was not. I knew the veil was thin and that a miracle had occurred.

Over time, there has been more than a few nights I have wept wondering if someone else should have mothered these children, someone less quick to anger, someone more patient and whose constant mistakes aren’t on full display day after day. My son and I have had the opportunity to discuss forgiveness, repentance, and the Atonement. He is well aware of my shortcomings and we have had some very frank and deep doctrinal conversations.

Back to where I began. That night as my son whispered to his sister, that they needed to be quiet, I stopped and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I would not go to where I had planned to go. How could I leave my children with a stressed out cranky mommy and go somewhere with others who would get my best. The ones I love the most dearly need my best. They need my best all the time. Sometimes I am going to stumble and because of that I can’t afford to be distracted. It’s just too easy to get distracted.

There are times I lose focus. How can I ever forget that my greatest joys are in the walls of my own home? That NOTHING else matters as much, that NOTHING I will EVER do is as important as what I am doing every day, albeit imperfectly.

The Lord blessed my son and through the Atonement I was finally able to forgive myself for being gone even for a minute when he fell, and through the Atonement I can keep trying to stay focused on what’s most important in the here and now and forgive myself for not being the perfect strong mommy that I want to be. It is only by clinging to my Savior that I can be the mommy that HE would have me be. And in nothing is my weakness made more manifest than as I strive in my roles as wife and mother. And that’s proof enough for me that nothing’s of greater value.

We liked conference. Here’s proof. And here’s to taking this mommy thing one day at a time…

There Are Nuclear Bombs In My Blood

2010-03-16T22:26:00.000-07:00

Some of my jokes work.

Most don't.

I get it.

Growing up I watched my dad test his puns like nuclear weapons over Nevada. I would roll my eyes and think...really?
I have become my father. I try to not be punny. I try to not find the humor in a ball of lint, but the humor is everywhere and it taunts me. I hear it scratching at my brain and suddenly I'm saying something that if it works will get a laugh. And if it doesn't?? Just roll your eyes folks cause I'll probably try again sooner rather than later.
I worry sometimes I have hurt people's feelings, especially people who are just getting to know me or that I'm so comfortable with that my self deprecation and tendency to be sarcastic gets too close for comfort.
I remember my mom telling me some people would get annoyed with my father for comments he made. I get it now. He was trying to be funny. His identity was in being funny.
I hide behind humor. It's my trusty shield and has served me well in a life that's had some tough spots. If I leave someone laughing, maybe they will like me or think I'm fun or forget that sometimes life hurts and there can be joy. I'm still working out the kinks. And those of you who know me well, know that for every one laugh, there's ten that fall flat.

A little humor goes a long way, but I can't help it, I LOVE funny...it's in my blood.

Do I Have To Spell It Out For You?

2010-01-06T12:59:00.000-08:00

Usually my husband's spelling, doesn't affect our lives too terribly much, however this note I received from him this morning gave me pause.

As a background,I am not a morning person. I have been known to say two words, but really before 10 AM you'd be better conversing with a DMV employee. Anyhow, in order to combat this personlity trait/opportunity for his sainthood and also because the hubby is the chipperest chiperoo you've ever encountered in the mornings, he does have a lot to say and will often leave me notes on the whiteboard. That, and the fact that I was snoozing away as he and my son left for their day.

So I ask you what does it look like he's saying to YOU???
Considering the rest of his message has to do with why he couldn't wear a suit to work and switching nights with me in attending the temple what I THOUGHT he said would still apply, don't ya think?

PS- if this is how you personally enjoy spelling warehouse, then please accept my deepest condolences because I will laugh at you too.

LOVE YA, honey!!! Come straight home after work, 'K?????

Pretty Pain-Final and Rethought

2009-12-22T15:40:00.000-08:00

The end of my story was ready to go weeks ago. I thought I knew how it would end. I was wrong and it left me reeling.

I was wrong:

Something Tony likes it when I say and I probably don’t say enough. The final third of my story involved two surgeries, overdoses from several narcotics and the inability to see for a week and a half. It involved a blessing, the failure to follow promptings in regards to said blessing and thus the consequence of lost eyesight until the drug I was not supposed to take was out of my system. It involved me going to Denver to live for almost three months with my son and mother and going through extensive physical therapies and rehabilitation. It involved being able to have a second child against all odds and being able to hold her. It involved me being able to tell you that I know what the people of King Benjamin knew and that my prayer was indeed answered. All of that is true.

Mid-October Tony was approached by a headhunter and a trip to Miami and three interviews later we awaited an offer. The process was arduous and nerve wracking. I did not want to leave my family, friends, and ward. I didn’t want to leave my son’s school, his friends, or the new temple. The whole step of the way I felt like I was going to be saying goodbye. I had an epiphany when I realized that the new temple that was announced over conference was in the district we would be moving to. I looked up my condition and the largest facility that works with TOS patients in the rehabilitation that I need was only mere minutes from the company Tony was awaiting an offer from. It seemed like more than mere coincidence. I emailed my people I worked with in Denver and they had received their training from the man who started the facility in Miami. They told me that if I got this opportunity to go there, that it would be wonderful for my recovery.

Meanwhile at home, things were breaking down…literally. The garage door, the swamp cooler, the refrigerator, the dishwasher, a leak in the basement, my car, Tony’s jeep, a leak in the ceiling and we joked that it seemed like all things were pointing to this move since it seemed like a lot was happening to us right now. We joked about it a lot. The day came that we were waiting for them to fax the offer over and instead the call came from the headhunter. The woman who was runner up had a friend who knew the president of the company personally and he talked the president into changing his mind. It was she who received the offer.

We were stunned. That’s business and that’s life. But it was our life.
I didn’t understand why the facility that seemed tailor made for me had been RIGHT there.
I felt selfish.
I felt confused. It seemed right and we hadn’t gone looking for it, it had found us.
I realized that I have a lot to learn.
I realized that He knows the desires of my heart.
He knows what I need. He knows where I need to be. He knows what I am capable of even when I don’t believe it myself.

A couple of days after this happened I was kneeling in front of my dryer folding clothes. As I knelt I began to pray. First thoughts out of my mouth: “I’m sorry for being bad.” (Can you believe I said this?) I am ashamed to admit it now.
Overwhelming feeling: That I am NOT bad. That I am HIS daughter and that HE loves me. I changed my thought process.
“Please increase my faith,” I said.

The thing about it is this: It’s His will, not mine and sometimes things just happen. Who knows why? Our family has been incredibly blessed. Service has been rendered to us that enlarges my soul.

I am happy. I am finding peace. I am learning that life is not just to be endured and especially at this Christmas season when miracles truly do occur. If I could only convey how much my loved ones mean to me. I am grateful that we are staying because the people who surround me are priceless to me. My son, upon finding out we were staying was jumping up and down with excitement. He would be loathe to leave the friends he holds dear.

The ending to my story is not what I thought. But it hasn’t ended yet. It never really will, that’s the great thing. I never want it to. I cannot imagine not learning anything more, not experiencing growth. Yah, growing hurts, sometimes like hell, but at the end of the day it makes me rely on Him and I rejoice in that. He is the author, but He lets me write it down. Sometimes I write word by word, not even realizing where the comma goes (pretty much true of all my writing) When I go back and read it somehow it all flows. I have to erase a lot, I find myself repeating the same antidotes, I occasionally take poetic license, but I can’t put my pencil down. He knows what my story will be and we write it together…every day.

We here at The Benjamin Bunch wish you a beautiful Christmas.

Pretty Pain-volume 2

2009-11-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

Just a note before I begin this second part: I hesitated in sharing this story, because in NO WAY am I trying to illicit sympathy or say woe is me. I have felt like I needed to share what happened to me in the hopes that it might help someone as well as documenting a journey in which I did not walk alone. And I glory in that. I am not a victim nor am I a hero. Like all of us, I have been extremely blessed and have a story to tell. Thank you for your comments. They were beautiful.

One day I was the last patient in yet another doctor's office. Another promise of healing crumbled, though in this instance this benevolent man gave my money back to me. He had tried everything he knew. At the end of our session, he took out his business card. He wrote T.O.S (Thoracic Outlet Syndrome) on it and handed it to me. "I think this is what you have."

He was the first to give it a name. I researched the condition on the internet and felt like I was finally coming home. I read a girl's story who was younger than I was. Her journey was remarkable and she had traveled to Denver for treatment. I did more research and Colorado was home to a brilliant surgeon who primarily did vascular surgery, but took thoracic patients as well. I did extensive research on his training, his facility, his patient testimonials, and booked a flight.

Within two minutes he had diagnosed me. He gave me a 3D CAT scan that was powerful enough to show the extra ribs as well as the fact that my sternum was rotated forward 25 degrees. He said that he had not seen an injury like that except in football players at the bottom of a dog pile. I assured him that I didn't play football, but I began to realize how badly I had been hurt.

He did a series of tests and warned me that the surgery I would undergo would be arduous and that he could not recommend it unless I had undergone every other treatment option available. At the time, I had never had surgery, with the exception of getting my wisdom teeth out. I was an all natural gal fond of reflexology and the health food store. I had stopped taking any type of narcotic long before because it wasn't touching the pain and I wanted to be lucid and present in my own life.

I flew home and for the next few weeks with my official diagnosis in hand, I saw more doctors, the head of the Utah PT Association, another chiropractor where I went through a torturous procedure that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I was so frustrated. I didn't want to have surgery. I didn't want to have major surgery where they would go up under my arm and cut out not my little extra cervical rib, but the first thoracic rib and that the chance of nicking a nerve and giving me permanent nerve damage was great. It was a long, risky and delicate procedure and I didn't want to have to endure it. Even having been in pain that long and wishing for relief, I was afraid.

During all this time, I was praying to know if I needed this surgery. I had no idea that one of the symptoms of my condition was that my nerves would misfire and warmth would spread throughout my entire body. I would have pins and needles, my heart would also feel warm and fluttery and I would feel comforted. On the day I realized that part of my condition were these symptoms that mimicked how I always felt the Spirit, I.WAS.LOW. I can’t tell you how useless I felt. I questioned how I would ever know if I was receiving divine guidance again. If I would know the difference. I knew that I needed to receive my inspiration differently than I had been, or worse yet, thought I had been receiving.

It was a turning point for me. I knew I had to understand how I would receive future promptings. I knew I could not lean on old ways because those ways may or may not be working. It was a scary place for me to be and I learned something. No matter the intensity of physical pain, spiritual anguish is so much worse.

I prayed late into the night with Tony by my side. Finally, I was given my answer. I was able to feel the spirit in a way I had never experienced before and it eclipsed the former ways I had always felt it.

One could argue that my prayers were not answered because my pain was not taken away. However, at this point I was no longer praying that it would be taken away. I found this excerpt of a poem entitled "At Journey's End" by Elaine Christensen that sums up nicely how I was feeling:

"Now we kneel here...grateful for every unanswered plea that proved us

Faith is the mountain that does not flee,

The water that does not part,

The rock that won't turn into bread-

Instead, marks our dead."

I became a bit obsessed about looking into a mirror. I know it sounds prideful. I was checking my collarbones. I couldn’t see one of them anymore. I worried that the broken body I had witnessed in the 3D CAT scan was apparent when others viewed me. I tried not to think of myself as damaged, but I admit I struggled with loving my own body.

I was at the temple during this time and in the session was a lovely young woman sitting in the row in front of me. She could have been a model and I found myself wishing I could look like her, be like her. Writing this now, I sound so ungrateful, but I was having such a hard time coming to terms with pain, with my present circumstances and I longed to think of myself as some lovely creature, not the wounded soul I felt I was.

After the session, I was in the foyer waiting for Tony to come out. I looked up to see the same woman I had taken notice of and she shyly approached me. She told me she had observed me in the session and wanted me to know how beautiful she thought I was.

I was stunned and could not do much more than thank her. But as we regarded each other, I began to weep. It was a miraculous moment and a tender mercy of the Lord. I have never forgotten it. And there have been numerous times I have needed to draw upon that reminder.

Finally, I knew it was enough. Tony and I called all our family and friends and they joined us in a fast.

And we flew back to Denver.

Pretty Pain-volume 1

2009-11-12T09:31:00.001-08:00

In 2002 I was reading the Book of Mormon on King Benjamin's dissertation to his people. When he was through "they all cried with on voice saying: Yea we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the spirit of the Lord omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually."

I wanted to feel the way they did.

I didn't yet understand what that 'mighty change' was and I wanted it more than anything. I got on my knees and I pled, I begged to feel as they did, to truly be converted. I didn't understand what this journey would entail, perhaps I thought a feeling would come over me or I could wake up the next day changed. I had no idea what was in store, but I have never regretted praying for this gift on that day.

Within 2 days I had fallen down a flight of stairs. I would unknowingly go to an unlicensed massage therapist who would hurt me terribly and set in motion a condition that lay dormant and that I didn't even realize I had.
I was born with two extra cervical ribs and because of that there is very limited space in my brachial plexus which causes my arteries and nerves to become impinged. It is called Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.

I will not attempt to describe in too much detail how it feels, but mine was severe enough that it felt as if someone was sticking icepicks into my shoulder, back ,arms, neck, head and face. And it never went away. I stopped sleeping, I began dropping things so had to stop holding my 18 month old son. He would take a stool and climb into my lap and I would silently weep, but never so he could see. I never wanted my baby to know how much I hurt. Everyone else would keep their distance because the slightest touch would be agony.

I went to neurologists, orthopedic surgeons, chiropractors, physical therapists. No one knew what was wrong and several told me it was in my head and to go get 'help'. Xrays and MRIs showed nothing. I thought maybe I was crazy. I received so many blessings that my baby would lay his hands on my head and bless me and the experience gave him an empathy that I cannot regret that he carries.

I pled for the pain to go away. I prayed for deliverance. I prayed for a year. That's how long it took to get a diagnosis. I would visualize myself literally taking the Lord's hand and holding it for comfort. He was the only source of relief. My nerves misfired all the time, I would have unbidden pins and needles, my extremities would go numb and I wondered who this creature was that my body had become. My spirit yearned for release from this physical prison.

During this time I was called to teach Relief Society to the women of our church. I couldn't understand this call. I could barely move. Other people cleaned my home and cared for my son and the Lord wanted me to stand in front of all these other women for forty minutes? What could I possibly teach them? What was I except the one others pitied?

I accepted the calling. I sat in my chair and I immersed myself in the scriptures, in great books of gospel doctrine and I learned. I continued to pray for deliverance and then my prayers began to change. I went through the classic stages of grief though I hadn't lost a loved one, I'd lost myself.
The first Sunday I would teach approached and I prayed that somehow by my diligence I could be healed of this phantom malady that racked my body. The day dawned and I stood in front of the sea of faces and the pain left me...I opened my mouth and was filled with sweet relief. I taught the lesson and testified and the words were not my own. I had a profound witness that God loved me and I had a powerful love for these women I would teach.

I said "Amen" and sat down and immediately I came to myself again and the pain chained itself back to my body. I would go through the same process every month I taught. You can imagine how I looked forward to that temporary respite. How I truly sought to obtain the word so in that moment I could truly declare what he would have me declare. How this 'weakness' became the catalyst for the opportunity to walk with HIM.

The scripture in Ephesians by the apostle Paul took on a poignant personal meaning for me:

"There was given to me a thorn in the flesh , the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

to be continued...

Life Guard

2009-10-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

I just answered the door. My husband sent me flowers. On the card reads,

'Everything's going to be alright, rock-a-bye.'

I wish I could explain what my heart did when I read this...

This is the man who holds my fear, my sorrows, my pain so no one else has to perish under the weight.

And it has to be hell...

I know he wonders where his fun-loving, gregarious sweetheart goes and where the walking bundle of nerves wrapped up in scraps-of-scary comes from.
We tread water together sometimes, waterlogged with life and all too often it is I who must be rescued, but he can't pull me to safety because I'm holding him down, my arms flailing and legs kicking and he swallows too much water.
Still, he keeps his arm around me and drags me to the shore.
AGAIN.AND.AGAIN.
He lays there in the sand safe for a moment and I gaze at his form pummeled and bruised by the endless waves.

Sometimes he needs rescuing too.

And we plead to the Benevolent Soul who loves us perfectly. Plead for the Atonement to bind up our wounds and to hold us when we are incapable of holding each other and we plead endlessly for we fall back into the deep water ad nauseam. And HE saves both of us...

That being said, as an answer to the lovely lyrics of Shawn Mullins my sweetheart penned, I invoke the stylings of John and Paul (there is a controversy as to their true collaboration on this song):
'Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more'

"This is MY mom!"

2009-09-21T19:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I had procured all the necessary books off the library shelves: Disney Princesses, Tinkerbell, A Princess and Her Horse, The Princess and the Pea, and Rapunzel. The munchkin and I sat at a small table in even smaller chairs and I read the tales to her two-year-old heart's content.

A boy, not much older than this daughter of mine, hoisted himself into a chair beside us and laid his offerings on the table: Marvel Superheros. He sat and listened to all the tales politely, though they were clearly not his forte'. He would interject facts such as "Have you seen this movie?" pointing to Wolverine, and "I like this movie," indicating The Incredible Hulk.

And all the while the clock continued it's circular cycle until an hour had passed and no one had come to claim this precious boy. It was time to leave and I was beginning to wonder if I needed to find his caregiver and who that could be who would abandon him with books they were not reading to him and answers they were withholding from his endless questions.

I held my little girl's hand and the boy toddled beside us and I must admit my feisty daughter scowled at him and said, "This is MY mom!" The little boy fell out of step with us and I ran off chasing down my long haired thundercloud as she stormed around the library.

As I approached the front desk, I saw him again. Growing tired, he was laying beside the checkout. A woman was walking toward the computers and he got up and stood beside her. She did not look at him, she did not speak to him, and he did not mention Wolverine and The Incredible Hulk to her. The last hour of his life was unknown to her and I admit I wanted to shake her as I walked by and shout, "WAKE UP!!"

I wish I had read a non princess story. I wish I had read him his Wolverine book or that he had said to my offspring, "This is MY mom!", but he didn't. He just looked at me and I clung to my girl, grateful that she is grateful (or at least possessive) that I am her mother.

I learned a valuable lesson. I am not just a mother when my two kids are with me. I am a mother in whatever circumstance I find myself in. As a woman, I have been blessed with compassion and empathy, but there are so many times I am guarded and careful. I've never regretted being too kind and in the moment I had an opportunity to mother a child who needed some time.

I'm hoping that someone somewhere is reading that little one a story. And I hope it's his mother...

And now for something completely different:

I was invited by my friend Melissa to play a blog game kind of like the old slumber party game “Telephone.”
One blogger starts a story and passes it on. Each blogger adds a part. It should be interesting to see where it goes.
So here it is:
A Writer-Mama’s Tale –
The Seduction of Vintage Grapes

Even the crickets had rested their legs when she sat back in her chair and sighed with a final sip of vintage grapes. Darkness swallowed……..

the sob that threatened to tear from throat as she watched her only child drive away. What did he know about the world outside of….

our small town. Was he ready for what laid ahead of him? Her lip quivered as she thought back to the days when….

Jason toddled behind his father through the vineyards and copied his every movement. Mark was young and full of hope and desire then. His face…..

,now lined from time and stress, still shined with pride for their son. As Jason's car drove away, they…

embraced as the breeze, pregnant with the scent of ripe grapes, swirled around them. Their eyes remained transfixed on the car until....

Mark cleared the emotional phlegm from his throat and held his faded blue goblet aloft. “Here’s to new beginnings.” Her first instinct was…

You can click on any of the sentences above to go to the author's original post then head on over to Mindi's blog on Wednesday to see what happens next!

Toffee

2009-09-15T13:20:00.001-07:00

The breeze catches my skin as I gaze at your retreating form

Your back is a scrawny gazelle

The t-shirt clings like a doey hide

Your legs pump the pedals with all the intensity of my maternal heart

You aren’t moving very fast.

Over asphalt refuse and destination’s allure

Your red bicycle carries you from my person

And my organs weep

I can feel my soul, my purpose

Clatter, shatter, dare to hope.

I am only a silhouette in a lonely doorway

You are riding away from me

It is what I long for you to do

What I spend my time preparing you to do

And I miss you before I say goodbye.

I miss you as I halt, stiff and unnerved in the glare of your horizon eyes

Your toffee face slightly melted in the red tired sun

Reflecting the particles of hair that I long to brush aside

Tufts of which salute me when I’m the mom I should be

And flip me off when I am less than I know I could be.

Your cheeks shift over the black bicycle seat

You dangle your foot until your momentum is stifled

Your hat hides your face as you look over your shoulder at me

The mere mortal who gave you birth

“Tell my sister I love her.”

I attempt to form a word

My brain unable to render my tongue muscles useful

So overcome am I

But my arm escapes its jailer

Finally free of inept uncertainty it waves at you.

And you unsullied, unburdened continue on

Further and further past the scarlet octagon

That flashes the word I so often mutter

And which I long to cry out at this moment

But I won’t.

I can no longer see you

Though my heart is still holding on to yours like a hand

Fingers entwined and I glimpse the future

The curb where you will exit stage right for two years

Where every respiration will conjure your reality to my remembrance.

You are the embodiment of my divinity

You are the bearer of my guilt

The reminder of my potential

You are the reason that mothers and sons are wrapped up together in knots

Twiny, impossible, frayed, woven, intricate.

You slay me and I die over and over again

Into the inferno that is motherhood

A searing heat which burns out all that is unnecessary, impure

And you my son rake aside the carnage and cradle what is left:

My soul.

A Poo Post- First Thoughts

2009-09-10T19:35:00.000-07:00

Potty training's a messy endeavor. There's a lot of naked 'bum'ness and doing one's business becomes the highlight of the day. "YAY! Poo poo in the potty!" I've started to sing this to myself, truthfully.
Life comes full circle: We begin in diapers, we end in diapers and in between those times we just try to excrete with a locked door and a mere five minutes of peace. No one claps for me when I get that...but they should.
Truly the highlight to potty training is teaching our children that there's nothing more rewarding than a 'job' well done...ahem.
But in the transition time between diapers and cloth there's a few other perks as well:
The extra coinage that will jangle in our purses.
The diaper bag being put out to pasture.
The retirement of hogtying and holding down the child as we maneuver wipes with delicate aversion.
Yes my friends, this is a poo post. My daughter is on her way and has been using the potty for the past three days...mostly. So remember, life's not just about what happens to you, it's about what you leave behind.

Just remember to flush it when it's appropriate.

Cheap Therapy

2009-09-09T21:43:00.000-07:00

So I took a sabbatical from my blog.

I thought that by pulling myself back and re prioritizing my life I would find everything I was seeking. I immersed myself in Isaiah, I wrote less, I still didn't eat sugar, cheese, and I was trying to do everything just so, being who I thought I should be, being who I thought He would have me be.
And you know, so much has been better. I feel a lot of peace, but here's the thing: I haven't been happy. I've forgotten how and in all my restylization (did you miss my made-up words?), I forgot that somewhere in all this crazy life, there needs to be room for joy. And you know what brings me joy???? Writing this blog. I need this outlet to express my giant "YAWP" to the world (okay maybe 10 people)
My name is Rachel Benjamin and I am not going to hide; I'm not going to be someone I'm not anymore. I'm not going to share my second or third thoughts, but my first thoughts. I'm not going to place my value on how many followers I have, or comments, or if some of my posts are crap and some might be...I know...
I'm not perfect, I am fantastically flawed. I beat myself up severely for every weakness I perceive in myself while holding the rest of the world up on the pedestals I have carved for them.
Do you know what I am going to do tomorrow? I am going to my darling friend Lyndy's (I owe you one, my friend) and we are going to sing at the top of our lungs and I am going to write and write and I am going to follow and embrace the light inside of me and be who I am...do you know how healing it is for me to finally say this? I have been terrified my entire life that if I'm not the person everyone else needs me to be, I will end up alone. It is my deepest fear. I am afraid of being alone...wow, I admitted it.. I'm not though. There are so many people in my life who I adore.

So here I am. I've missed you all terribly. I'm back in the saddle...

Love To You All

2009-07-29T09:05:00.001-07:00

The Benjamin Bunch will be on hiatus. Thank you for your friendship and loyalty. I apologize for my lack of posts and not visiting all your wonderful blogs for awhile. I feel an urgency to be fully present in my life...and these guys ROCK my world.

please know how much I appreciate each and every one of you. I will return when I can.

Throw Down With Mother Nature

2009-07-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

Now that summer's here, I thought I would share with you my love of nature. There's so many natural wonders to name, but for the sake of time I've narrowed them down to only three of my ABSOLUTE favorites:
1-Ants who want to be my roommates: Look, you might as well know now ants, if you come inquiring about a lease, I WILL kill you. I have a thing about killing roommates who steal my food and crawl over my things. I couldn't kill difficult roommates up at Ricks because of the whole honor code, but it's the real world now ants and you are so dead. Oh, and the toddler who feeds you every meal? Well, she will still feed you because she can't seem to help dropping a truck load of crumbs under her chair, but she will probably kill you anyway too when she picks you up and loves you a little too hard. Either way, get your affairs in order at the anthill...NOW.
2-Weeds: Sure, the snow on the ground six months or more out of the year does get old, I admit it. But at least it provides a nice white, generally gray covering that hides the green disease the engulfs the yard. So bring me your tired...husband, your poor...man's weed killer, your huddled...kids blowing dandelion seeds faster than you can possibly remove them, and you've joined the yard maintenance game that the Benjamin bunch loses each and every year. Oh, we've won a few battles, but have yet to even show up to the war. And there's a little Benedict Arnold of the ground covering fight who thinks the morning glory in the lawn is pwetty. Crap, now it's only 3 to 17 billion and 1...traitorous toddler.
3-Snails: Ok, I admit here is a creature I feel sorry for. They are painfully slow, their shell provides an inadequate protection, and they are in need of some serious personal hygeine tips as they trail this embarrassing ooze wherever they go. But when I open the door and they are on my porch, the steps, the garage door, the kids' playthings, and are eating my garden, I have to think that they are getting the last laugh. And they multiply; the term breeding like rabbits seriously underestimated the power of two willing, albeit slow slime balls. Are they male? Are they female? Who cares. Where there were 2 yesterday, there are 73 today and I personally can't squish them, pour salt on them (barbaric I will never do this EVER), or drown them. Wait! My husband, giver that he is, has found the solution. He will drown them, but before you cry in outrage know this; they will go down happy.
Apparently, he tells me that they really love a good brewsky and will throw themselves into the alcohol and drink themselves into oblivion. Who knew that snails were just waiting around hoping for the next kegger.

Party at my house...

Sitting On A Rock Will Get You Noticed

2009-06-27T19:57:00.000-07:00

I have been away for a week at a writing conference. It will take me a while to fully process the experience. There are layers that I must peel away like an onion and that will make my eyes sting as I prepare to slice through them. The experience changed me, as I needed to be changed.

On Thursday I met with the most distinguished man of the literary world that I will ever meet. It was as if I knelt at his feet; my offering of twenty pages stained with innocent ink, and hope littered in its white spaces. The chair he offered me was broken; a single cheek hung precariously off the one safe edge, my dignity struggled on the other.

He gazed at me through midnight transition lenses. Were his eyes making the glass darker or were his glasses turning his almond orbs into tiny spotlights revealing my absolute ineptness? Inept: That was the word he used to describe my story; or was it my writing, perhaps it was the author of it. He spoke to me as if it pained him; like the tin man grinding his un-oiled jaw, he was able to squeak only, “Drivel, folksy, backwoods.”

I felt the tears as they crawled up my organs, gaining momentum from all the emotional exercise I give them. I set my own jaw, knowing in this one heart beat of my life that I would not let the king of self-importance see my spirit leaking. I asked him a couple of questions: What did he think of the brother’s voice? He paused and for a split second his jelly-donut face oozed a cream-filled doubt. I asked him about my main character’s age and muteness, and he himself suddenly could not speak. If I could have moved my wooden hand, I would have slapped my forehead: He had not read beyond the first page-and-a-half.

He admitted it and told me he thought there was no market for my story and that he wasn’t sure anyone would understand it anyway. To make up for this slight, he picked apart my lack of a comma and a poor word choice until I understood my proper place once more: I was nobody. I understood it very well and a drawer shut in my mind. My story was placed inside and covered with a linen cloth.

I stood up when I had had enough; oh, and when he told me that he would only answer any questions that were related to what he had just discussed with me. There were none…only the barbed ones slicing through the sinew of my soul. I offered him my hand and thanked him for his ten minutes of time; twenty minutes less than we had set aside.

I left him in his unbroken chair.

My feet carried me away in a strange town. The tears marched their armies down my face until my lack of tissue was a problem. The bathroom was beside where he still sat. I unabashedly used my arm; it was a very ‘backwoods’ thing for me to do, maybe even a little ‘folksy.’ I decided not to tread too far from the afternoon session of the conference. My two sweet friends were saving me a seat inside; a seat I wasn’t planning to fill.

I chose a rather secluded bench and sat down, resting my aching pride. An elderly couple approached me and asked if they could have the seat. I obliged and stood outside the building my friends were in, until a camera man who was filming the conference set up his tripod right where I was standing. I found an unassuming rock and I did the only thing I knew: I wrote furiously in my notebook. I looked up and the camera was facing me.

I flinched. “Oh, am I in your way, AGAIN?”

The camera guy smiled, “Oh no. I’ve actually been filming you, if that’s okay. You are the epitome of what this conference is about.”

What irony. The conference, which hires the man, who breaks my heart, which causes me to write my sorrow, which prompts a person to be inspired, and include my moment in said conference’s video.

I opened that drawer in my head and took the story back out again, and I placed his words inside that drawer instead. And now I keep going; grateful for the experience, hungry to prove myself. And in my liberal use of the movie Pretty Woman:

Big Shot Editor: Yes, can I help you mere peasant person?
Rachel: I was here a few years back, you wouldn't read my story.
Big Shot Editor: Well, I never...
Rachel: Your literary journal prides itself on finding the best stories?
Big Shot Editor: Of course.
Rachel: Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go write now.

In Which I Ramble...

2009-06-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

A sad fact: Since I’ve stopped eating sugar, I’ve been less funny…Apparently, my humor had everything to do with high fructose corn syrup. The whole grain lifestyle has crimped my ability to come up with a good one liner. Oh, I still try, but my delivery falls flatter than a plain cardboard rice cake. I coped with my life through food…I then transferred over to the internet…things were getting crazy, I could zone out and let it all go in front of the little glowing box of other people’s wonderful lives. I could discuss reading books, without reading all that many. I could read about writing and write about writing and not really write. In fact, I could talk about living, without really living.

I realized today, that I didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t have anything to add to the conversation. Now I’m not depressed and the fact that I have been without a car for the last few weeks could be narrowing my perception of the world, but the truth is I need a change. My short story is finally finished. I am preparing to spend a week away with my fabulous writing buds to bask in the writers’ life. The hubby informed me when we were just throwing the idea of me getting away for awhile, that I HAD to take this opportunity. I know it won’t be easy for him, but he hasn’t blinked.

You see, his eyes have been wide open before. I watched our wedding video the other day with Ceci. I even wore my veil for her if you want to know the truth. She loved the whole thing (except for the part where it was time to feed each other cake and I didn’t even aim for his mouth…who knew that frosting affected contact lenses…seriously?) Well, the violence of it frightened her and then his rebuttal right into my eyes and the licking of the frosting off the faces (yes, an elderly woman left our reception in disgust.) And you know what??? We loved every minute of that moment, because that is so US.

If I could have glimpsed into the future and seen the nights spent in agony, the hospital visits, the surgeries, the deafening silence of fear, the job losses, the food appearing at our doorways, the collapsing upon the ground in seeming defeat, the miracles, the angels, the babies that we were overwhelmed to be the parents of, the glimpses of eternity in the mundane moments, the whisperings of so much more, the beauty that comes from suffering, the chipping away of that couple who had the world by the hands and was dancing with it and each other and who the world tries to crush, but we are still dancing…together.

Still not funny, I know…but it’s in there, even if the frosting has long left my tear ducts.

A Letter To My Children

2009-05-24T15:23:00.001-07:00

Cup cakes are in the oven and Conner and CC are playing. Conner took the blanket from his sister; my feisty, headstrong, fiery daughter is shouting, “I don’t want it! I don’t want it!” Oh CC, you will cry that all throughout your life. There is much we don’t want. Much that hurts, much that we wish could be gone, much that causes us to want to stop and weep and not take that step forward…that step into the dark…off the precipice…into the unknown.

I promise you my sweet son and daughter, that you will never be left comfortless, that you are never alone in this life. Your Savior, your Lord, your King will take you by the hand and guide you through every.single.day. You must ask, you must seek, you must be strong, for the winds will howl and pain and sorrow come to all. In this life however, you will also experience profound joy and there is only ONE source…only HE.

Speak

2009-05-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

If will alone was a super power, I'd be a comic book hero.

I visualized myself winning a writing competition; the first one I've ever entered. I was notified that I was a finalist and didn't exhale it seemed for a good five minutes. I could feel my character breathing out her history. I thought my story had legs and could run marathons. It must have sauntered casually to that finish line however, and others crossed it first, and second, and third...

My left hand is the conduit through with communication must steadily flow and somehow the space between my brain and said hand loses something in the translation, because I can very rarely SPEAK effectively. I'm married to a National debate champion and the mother to two offspring who talk circles around me, straight from the womb.

And yet, with paper and pen I'm alive and I can pretend...I can pretend I won. That I won the contest and that I walked up on a stage. That there was a microphone so imposing that it made me cross my bleary eyes which blocked the courteous clip clapping of the crowd that came to hear me read my words, my soul. That my children could see their mother achieve something, anything so that they too may know that they can hurdle their Everest.

I picture myself reading, nervous, tremulous diction and damp underarms, but lit up like Christmas morning. My best clothes, straightened hair, unshed tears, a hidden heart resurrected; crazy glued together and soaring into another time...another place...another life.

I WILL do what I dream to do because there is no choice. I was born to speak, though one has to read in order to hear what I'm really needing, yearning, crying to tell them. Someday I will succeed...and until then my left hand will not stop dog paddling through this ocean of words I need to flood my empty pages with.

Because I have a story to tell.

Let Her Eat Cake

2009-04-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

A daily conversation:

7:30 AM "What's for dinner?"

"It's breakfast time now CC."

8 AM "I want cake!"

"No CC, we can't have cake right now. How about cereal?"

"NO! I want ketchup and a 'poon."

9 AM (after a full breakfast of banana, strawberries, blueberries and Kix)

"What's for dinner?"

"We just ate CC!"

10AM "I want a nack!" (usually crackers)

11AM more crackers...

noon "What's for dinner?" (include a pb&j, apple pieces, string cheese and anything else she can think of)

RIGHT AFTER THIS..."I want a nack!"

"AHHH no it's naptime now"

3,4,5pm more of the same (in which she snacks on raisins, yogurt, fruit snacks, raviolis, anything I can think of and yes, even candy if I'm desperate...which I usually am)

5pm dinner time

6&7PM "I want dinner!!" followed by a glass of milk and a final snack and bedtime...

So I ask you? Is it boredom, is it an emotional attachment to food at age 2? Is it a toddler's cries for her mother's attention through food, is it a tapeworm, or does she simply like to see the nervous twitch I've developed whenever I hear the words "dinner" or "nack" in which I close my eyes while holding my head and weeping followed by a gnashing of teeth??????

But, I digress from the real reason for this post:

Friday was my baby's birthday. The girl with the flash and sparkle, the Himalayan personality. Who gets the joke, who will say "now that's funny!" after SHE says something. Who loves adventure, who sings herself to sleep and awake, and sings herself into the spotlight. Who has a lioness temper with a dollop of grizzly bear, and who will cry at the very sight of human suffering of any kind. Whose eyes illuminate the canvas of her soul...and she's a masterpiece.

I adore you, Cecilia.

Peter Pan Am I

2009-04-17T07:52:00.000-07:00

I never wanted to grow up.

I was not the child who yearned to be a teenager or the teenager who dreamed of adulthood. I was the child who thought I would always be a child. The teenager who didn’t know WHAT had happened to me and missed childhood. The adult who didn’t understand how 21 turned into 22 so quickly. I will be the 80 year old who calls my friends and says “Hey girls.”

Now just for the record, I LOVE being a wife and mother. I just still find it hard to believe that I am THE wife and mother. I still look in the mirror and can’t fathom who this grown up is staring back at me.

I relate extremely well to children and yes, even teenagers too (though sometimes I am terrified :) I guess it makes sense if I still think I’m one of them. No, it’s not like I’m trying to relive the “glory days” of high school. Far from it. I moved around so much growing up, I wonder if I just scattered the ashes of my childhood onto too many places. Every new move forced me to grow up just a little faster. New girl better fit in quickly if she wants to survive. Be one of us, be who we want you to be or you’ll be all alone. Part of me had to perish with every step into every new school. I didn’t have the sense of self to save my drowning soul.

The funny thing is, all the reinventing helped me to get along with almost anyone wherever I am. It has served me well and I’m grateful for how my experiences stretched me. I tell you this, because Monday is my birthday…And I feel 21.

I’m okay with that.

A Little of This, A Little of That

2009-03-31T10:43:00.001-07:00

My brother,who takes any picture that looks fantastic on this blog, and his wife are moving to Missouri for school. We will sure miss them, but are excited for them too. :) It reminds me of living in Virginia 15 min. outside of D.C. right after Tony and I were married. We LOVED it! Even though I had to work two jobs to keep us afloat, and the people whose basement we rented were going through a bitter and LOUD divorce at the time. Oh, and the guys who parked their van behind mine in two different parking lots and tried to sell me some cool stereo equipment. I loved all the trees, and the rolling hills, and the people, and the history. I loved visiting D.C. when ever we could and soaking it all in. I was truly out of my comfort zone, and it was an adventure. I will never forget it. So Dave and Beth, even though my pictures on this blog will suffer greatly, I have a feeling that this will be an experience you guys will never forget :)

My daughter has had a cold since 2009 started. RSV, two double ear infections, and now just an EVERLASTING runny nose. What can I do? I give her 2 multivitamins a day, vitamin C, acidopholus...any ideas? We've taken her to the Dr. multiple times and she's been on antibiotics for the infections and Dimetapp for the cold, but I don't want her on that forever. Could it be her two year molars coming in? Poor girl, I feel so bad for her... It couldn't be because she does this...or this...right? :)

My dad turns 65 on Monday. He got called to jury duty and has to report...on Monday. Happy Birthday DAD :)

I'm an all or nothing type of gal. I will either eat my weight in cheese or shun it altogether. The amount of time I was spending on the computer was bothering me. I would get 'sucked in' every time I walked into the kitchen (where our computer is) so to combat the problem, I would just turn it off. When I would turn it back on however, I would have emails piled up and blogs to read and I would still end up online for too long. Then there's the Good Reads factor. I could spend half my life on that site. So, after a lot of thought and some significant soul searching, I have come to a conclusion: M-F I will set the timer. 60 min. online a day. Weekends off. Yesterday, was my first official 'hour.' Never has an hour flew by so fast!! I end up having to write out a list I need to do for today. Luckily, I write out my posts longhand, so that cuts out on time, but I couldn't believe how fast it went. I may not get to your blogs everyday, but I will do my best to reach everyone's blogs every week.

PS- I'm shouting out my cute bloggy buddy Devri. I totally missed her contest, but she is so talented and makes the most adorable tutus and headbands. She's sick right now, so feel better soon Devri!!

In The Leafy Treetops...

2009-03-17T17:51:00.001-07:00

As we teeter here on the very edge of a long awaited season, I am reminded of an annual phenomenon. Every beautiful spring morning, I am gently awakened by a sound that's so natural and pure that I truly feel as if I am one with nature. That sound my friends, is the birds outside my bedroom window.
I suppose at some point, it must begin with one sustained note, but by the time I drift into consciousness there's a tweetanacle choir. You see, I do love birds. Yes, I am a bird enthusiast. These birds however, have an agenda. There's a birdie brawl in my tree, a "rumble" if you will.
There are no winners in this sad tale. The two opposing gangs of ferocious fowl shout out threatenings that would shock and dismay you. Now bear in mind, these are authentic calls:

"Aackaackaackaackaackaackaackaack"

"Oh yah! AACKAACKAACKAACKAACKAACKAACKAACKAACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

So as we approach my favorite season of the year, my darling son brings home his bird feeder he

made from cub scouts and desires to place in the tree of tiny tweeting terrorists.

Did you hear that my flighty feathered fugitives? Free breakfast served at 6AM!

And don't tweet with your mouth full...

PS-haven't posted forever, but shouting out my super talented friend Kerri. Check out her beautiful delicious looking handmade soaps @ www.messesandmudpies.com

Why I Write

2009-02-27T09:14:00.000-08:00

This post is inspired by something my wonderful and quite perceptive new friend Christie shared with me and I recognized the truth of it right away. Thanks Christie!

"I wrote stories from the time I was a little girl...but I didn't want to be a writer I wanted to be an actress. I didn't realize then that it's the same impulse. It's make-believe. It's performance."
Joan Didion quoted by Betsy Lerner in The Forest for the Trees

My earliest memories occurred on stage. I danced atop the ledge of our fireplace, the xylophone mallet as my microphone. I always had the lead in the elementary school productions and had my own performance troupe on hand to promote our plays to unsuspecting, and only occasionally, willing neighbors. In the sixth grade, I began a series of acting classes. Living in Southern California, there was an ever present undercurrent of budding talent and I happily obliged.

Then, horror of horrors, puberty struck. My acting partner inquired as to what the red things all over my face were and my modeling instructor informed me that I had the right height, but I was too painstakingly thin. I began to laugh through my auditions and my confidence was kidnapped by a cruel self doubt…and I stopped. No high school musicals, no college dramas, but I did participate in Road Shows. Remember those? I miss them. Perhaps there was some safety in a church sponsored production for me.

And all the while, I wrote. More precisely, I released. The shine I had dreamed of making on stage was unleashed in the twinkle of my soul I left on the page. I found there was beauty there. It is the reason I write. I am a performer at heart, albeit an imperfect one. That is my life and my truth. I write as a means to perform and I perform to have something to write about after all.

Mares Eat Oats and Does Eat Oats and Rachel B Eats Celery

2009-02-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

You are going to get ranting and raving Rachel today, I’m afraid. Once upon a time, I worked in a medical billing office. I know EOB’s (explanation of benefits), CPT and ICD9 codes like the back of my hand. By the time I get a medical bill, I know exactly what we owe to the last penny and let me tell you, the Dr.s offices, and hospitals FREQUENTLY make mistakes and there would have been many times I would have overpaid had I not understood the insurance end of things. A few weeks ago, my son’s pediatrician’s office submitted the claim with the wrong insurance #. As soon as I got word I called and made sure they had the right one to resubmit to our insurance and sure enough I got the EOB a few days later with the claim paid in full. Today I got a bill and I called. The girl was rude, unapologetic and at the end of the day I would not be surprised if I still get a bill even though they have been paid. Here’s why: I could tell instantly that she had no idea what she was doing! She got upset to cover her obvious lack of competence. How often does this happen. The guy who cuts you off is flipping you off when he’s in the wrong because (deep inside, I hope?) he feels guilty so he uses anger to cover his mistake. I see it all the time. I do it too. When I am impatient or quick to anger, the problem lies with me. Therefore, I see in writing this that I’ve got a lot of work to do.

Here’s the big thing. Even a few days ago I would have never written this post, because I would have been afraid to show my fiery side. I don’t know what I was thinking. Somebody thought I was LD and I OD’d on chocolate until they had to open me up. So there you have it. Hi, I’m Rachel and I am a redhead and with that red hair comes a big ole’ side of attitude. Oh and it’s that time of the month, and I no longer eat sugar, cheese, or fried foods and have you ever experienced PMS without these coping mechanisms…OH boy.

But here’s the good news. Since my gallbladder was evicted, I’ve lost 18 pounds. Here’s the before

and after pics. Wait, I just realized in the before picture I have make up on and my hair's done and I'm in a fancy dress. Yah, my face is fuller, but I have red shoes on. Was chocolate really that bad? Wait...don't answer that...

As Good As It Gets

2009-02-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

Tony and I got away. For two nights and three days we played. We stayed at two different hotels, saw a play, shopped, went to movies, took tours and in general just relaxed. It was bliss. He knew I needed some time away desperately and planned everything down to the last detail. It was all a surprise.
That night at dinner I found myself tense and in tears. I struggle with anxiety. It's been going on for a long time, but it happens often enough that it disturbs my peace. We were at the Little America hotel and a wave of anxiety struck. Tony and my joy of being out together away from kids and the stress of everyday life was being marred by this demon I battle. Tony and I discussed leaving and my heart felt like it would break in two. Suddenly, Tony looked toward the door and said, "President Monson." I turned around and President and Sister Monson walked toward us and President Monson asked Tony how his dinner was. The spirit was electrifying and my heart was filled with a sweet, loving peace. God in His mercy reminded me in the most profound personal way (just when I needed it) that I am His daughter and that He loves me. Not through a prophetic message this time, but through a prophetic presence. The right place, the right time, and a tender mercy from my benevolent maker.
...............................................................................................................................................................................
"And now for something completely different..." We saw "He's Just Not That Into You." Great movie-love the ensemble cast. Except Scar Jo (Scarlett Johanssen) Beware of her character. I have to say that had she been wearing a snuggie in this movie, nothing bad would have happened.
Anyway, I really liked it and the music was perfect. Thanks Tony, for being one of three guys who were in the theatre :)

Here Comes the Son

2009-02-01T14:26:00.000-08:00

January was a long, cold month.

On it's last day, things got warmer.

A whole bunch warmer.

Thanks to everyone who came and supported our boy on his baptism day. We are so grateful for all you do for our family. And yes, that is a snake our daughter is holding...

Hey Gumby, Wanna Dance?

2009-01-26T19:58:00.000-08:00

So on Sunday was my husband’s birthday. I knew I needed to do a post, but what to do? My super awesome friend Christine provided the perfect tag. Thanks Christine!

1) Where did you meet your husband?
At a Singles’ Dance neither one of us wanted to go to. Does anyone really WANT to go to those? I was actually meeting someone else there and Tony was so doped up on Nyquil for a bad cough that I could have been Gumby and he would have still asked me to dance.

2) How long did you date before getting married?
We met on September 1^st 1995 and were married March 21^st 1996. Can you say quick engagement?? Hey, what can I say…after he met me he couldn’t function until I was his.

3) How long have you been married?
Almost 13 years

4) What does he do that surprises you?
The way he still looks at me surprises me. Like it’s the first time he’s seen me all over again. He writes me the most beautiful poetry.

5) What is your favorite feature of his?
His eyes are forest green and I just love his nose. I know that sounds funny, but it’s just an excellent feature…really I am quite a fan!

6) What is his best quality?
His honesty and integrity. He does the right thing all the time, even when it’s hard.

7) Does he have a nickname for you?
He calls me Beautiful or Clara.

8) What is his favorite food?
Meat with a side of Meat with a little Meat for dessert.

9) What is his favorite sport?
Football. Super bowl Sunday with his beloved Steelers playing may be a religious experience for him.

Watch this: Hey Tony, the Steelers’ suck!

Just kidding, they are so cool…really, I just can’t watch them enough. Please let’s watch another Steelers’ game…please…

10) When did you first kiss?
On our fifth date after I hit him upside the head in the Salt Lake Temple’s visitors center. (Want to hear that story?) I’m never one to rush things, but after five dates, come on! I laid my forehead against his because I am SO not forward or anything and waited for him to kiss me.

11) What is your favorite thing to do as a couple?
Travel. We would get away anytime if we could. We love to talk about anything and watch movies, play games, and write. We go to our writer’s group every other Saturday together and it’s a highlight for us both.

12) Do you have any children?2 and I’m pretty sure they belong to us. Wait is that a Cheez-it box next to them? Yep, they’re ours!!

13) Does he have any hidden talents?
Him singing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' is quite entertaining. Also, he's a great actor.

14) How old is he?
37

15) What is his favorite music?
Classic Rock. He’s a music lover. Everything from the Beatles to Pink Floyd to the Blues. Tony has music in his soul. He can’t seem to do any household chore without it…hmmm…

16) What do you admire about him?
His ability to have a positive attitude even when it seems like the world is crashing around him. He has such a powerful belief in the gospel. His testimony is stellar and affects everything he does. He is an awesome teacher and will explain things and answer questions in a way that I could never conceive of so that others understand.

17) What is his favorite color?
Blue

18) Will he read this?
Oh yah. I so appreciate how much he reads my blog and how supportive he is of it.

19) Who said "I love you" first?
He wanted to wait until I did I think. He alluded to it, but wanted to make sure I was feeling the same way.

Happy Birthday sweetheart. We’ve had an amazing adventure and some really, really, tough times. Through it all, I choose you again and again. Thanks for asking me to dance…

Fairly Funny Friday

2009-01-23T11:28:00.000-08:00

Back in the day (circa 1996), Tony and I ventured East to the land of forest green, rolling hills, and crowded highways. He had gotten an internship with a certain love song singing, Kennedy canoodling senator. We had one car,a 1990 Honda CRX which carried everything we owned: 7 CDs, a bag of Doritos, and a dream, my friends. Oh, and we had love, which was great because we had to live on that. Money just wasn’t an option.

Senator CD signing at a mall near you paid a stipend of $600 a month. Now I know, in 1996 everything cost a little less. So it was really like $650 a month now- we should have been living like royalty! Nevertheless, we were really greedy and wanted food and gas, so I got two jobs to keep us afloat.

One of those jobs was teaching preschool, and after a couple of weeks I told the director that I was LDS (an acronym for Latter Day Saint as in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for those of you who may be less familiar with the term.) She looked shocked and told me that was amazing! She promoted me to supervisor and I received a raise and I conducted the staff meetings and wrote some curriculum and she constantly complimented me and praised my efforts!

Wow, this laying out my religion thing was awesome! I would totally have to “share” the gospel more often. Finally, after a few months of this, the one other Mormon who worked there took me aside. “Rachel, when you told her you were LDS, she thought you meant LD…Learning Disabled.

OH.CRAP.

Sue's got a Very Funny Friday carnival going on so check it out. Thanks to B. for the Fairly Funny Friday idea. I know it's been over two weeks since my last post (that's like 114 years in blog world...my bad)

Electricity

2009-01-08T13:26:00.000-08:00

As I sat with my little boy the other evening, I was folding socks. He was poring over the 2009 Road Atlas. I asked him how everything was going.
"Mom, I'm not a magnet."
I stopped folding and looked at him.
He said, "Let me explain it to you scientifically. Some people are magnets." He began to draw me a diagram. "Think of people as pieces of metal and they are always attracted to the magnets. I am like lightening. I am the electricity that is on the outside. I can be attracted to the magnets, but none of the metal is attracted to me."
We talked about the importance of electricity and if he wished he was a magnet. He shook his head no, but said he just wished sometimes the kids wanted to follow him during the games on the playground. I told him that electricity and magnets need each other. He said, "Mom, those are electromagnets and that is a completely different subject."

His 8th birthday is Sunday. I need him to know that although he may not be leading the games on the playground, his influence on others is profound. He disarms adults, is a kind and loyal friend, and the younger children love to play with him because he's inclusive and inventive.

Yes Conner, you are lightening. You light up the sky and make people stop and often watch in wonder. There is nothing I could ever do in this life that is more worthwhile than be you and your sister's mom. Happy Birthday son. Your future awaits... And can we have that conversation soon about electromagnets, cuz I totally don't get what they are.

That Was Soooooo 2008

2009-01-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

Saying to the surgeon before gallbladder surgery, "I just don't want to eat crap anymore."

(See in 2009 no one would knowingly ingest that...ewww)

Going to the inlaws house and saying,"So how's married life treating you?" (Because that's literally the only thing you can think of to say) Them responding, "We're divorced."

(In 2009 one just wouldn't speak at all)

Being short and hanging up because you think the person on the phone is a telemarketer. Actually, it's someone your husband works with.

(In 2009 one would GO OUT OF THEIR WAY to avoid answering the phone if they didn't recognize the #)

Saying to someone YOU KNOW at the park, "Oh are these your grandchildren?"
Them saying, "No" and staring at you really hard because their oldest child just got married and they couldn't possibly be old enough to have grandkids and they are beautiful and talented and sweet!!

(In 2009 there would just be no words for this...the person should just stay home and not be allowed out.ever.again.)

Spilling an entire glass of ice water in your LAP at a restaurant with your friends on what seems like the coldest night of the year, and almost doing it again when your glass is refilled. Using your dear friend's baby's diaper to soak up the water for the next 3 hours.

(In 2009 one would learn proper etiquette on a girl's night out and would try to make sure the water was aimed toward their top half at the very least)

So here's to 2009- keep your mouth shut and your hands in your lap and you too can improve this next year. Here's to one day of no f aux pas or lack of social graces. There's only 364 more to go. D'oh!!

Christmasness Is Not Really A Word (But It Should Be)

2008-12-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

I haven’t posted in a long time. I’ve been content to let all of your creative Christmasness permeate my soul for a little while. This year has been a tough one and I suppose it’s been harder to share. I didn’t send out very many Christmas cards. I sent out a few handwritten ones to family members and friends far away. I was going to include the following Christmas letter inside the cards, but thought instead I would share that here. So here goes:

Tony has kept super busy. An example of the nights he has been experiencing: the baby up coughing, Conner up losing his dinner, and me recuperating from surgery. There is a special place reserved in Heaven for a man who cleans up vomit two nights in a row, from two different people…or else a special place in hell experienced right in the moment. The bags under his eyes are mostly hereditary, but when you see him out on the road, move away a little bit because he hasn’t been sleeping well. He recently switched jobs and Human Resources is the next best thing to saving the world. I sometimes have to pull him out of the super high energy trance that benefits and employee recruiting puts him in. He started a new blog. Someone made a comment on it once and he’s still talking about it. It’s about politics, a topic that Tony only has a LITTLE interest in, so throw him a bone and check it out. The address is conservativegrange.blogspot.com. Tony rocks Rachel’s world and keeps her grounded and she still loves him even after 13 rather long years of marital bliss.

Rachel’s been running amok in the past year. Not running literally, because that would be a form of exercise and she has been putting that off. After a gall bladder attack that was her own fault really since she had tried to take her own life in a chocolate frenzied overdose, she had the offending organ taken out and is feeling much better. She manages to now belong to two book clubs, and one and a half writer’s groups where she dazzles (er…rather dazes) with stories of murder, mischief and camp. She is recovering from addiction to her own blog. That’s right admittance is the first step in recovery. She checks her own blog so much that the stat counter at the bottom is probably mostly her. When she’s not chanting “serenity now” while driving so that she doesn’t say anything else that could be construed as offensive or staying out past her bedtime giggling with pals, she’s molding young minds in the primary. She is grateful for her favorite calling as wife and mommy and loves those in her life.

Conner is mapping out the rest of his life. No really, he makes A LOT of maps: World maps, road maps, maps into different worlds, maps of major battles. Yes he realizes (we think) that he is seven years old, but believes in thinking ahead. How can he earn money for space camp has been a riddle for him to solve. He figures if he sells something for 5 dollars wouldn’t it be wiser to sell it for 10 so it won’t take as many to sell? He is approaching baptism and scouting and longer legs at lightening speed (well the legs not so much…but you just wait) He got top spot in the classroom Geography Bee and second overall in the second grade round and was delighted with the silver medal. Conner enjoys public speaking. He was the youth speaker in sacrament meeting and spoke for seven minutes. Mommy has asked him to not speak quite so much before she fully wakes up in the morning when he enjoys discussing important topics like the Revolutionary war, electromagnets, and deep doctrines of the church. He at least needs to wait until after breakfast so she can google anything (everything) she doesn’t know. We are so grateful he’s in our family and that he is thriving in school and with his friends who are so important to him.

Cecilia has only caused a few injuries this year. We upped our premiums due to the head butting incidents, but they are usually in church during the sacrament and inflicted on members of her immediate family, so we are not going to sue at this time. She can say 1,739 words- well maybe not that EXACT number, but at least 75. She has stopped walking like Frankenstein and occasionally lets us brush her hair. She can sound like a kitty or a dinosaur at any given time, and trust us, that’s talent right there. She gets a joke, refuses to eat anything green, is careful not to hurt herself when she throws a tantrum (because that would be silly), and is extremely adept at throwing a ball. She has a larger than life personality and is quite a social little thing and we apologize now to anyone who has a hard time concentrating in church because our daughter is oinking or dancing or pulling faces at you. It’s not you, it’s her. We adore her and love to see her and her brother interact. We waited a long time to have her in our family.

So there you have it. If you wanted a polished, perfect look at our family I’m sorry you didn’t get it. That’s just not us and we are grateful for that. The Lord has blessed us tremendously and allows us to grow and develop through out the year in the hopes that we will ultimately become more like Him. We frequently mess up and chaos and hilarity ensues, but we keep trying. We love our Savior, we love each other, and we love you.

Merry Christmas everyone! This will probably be my last post until Christmas so have a beautiful one.

This, That and the Other

2008-12-07T17:33:00.000-08:00

Well, first things first. The surgery went well and I am slowly getting back to my life. My days of gorging myself on chocolate are over...at least it's been a few weeks and for me that might as well be forever. I'm still pretty sore and can't pick up the baby yet, but the surgery story and the gift basket I received are a post in itself. One of these days I will share! I have a few things I need to catch up on. I won a contest over at my super cool new friend Kerri's blog. It arrived a little while ago and I have loved reading it as I've been convalescing! A huge thank you to Kerri for an awesome blog and this great gift she sent. Thanks Kerri :D
Also, I have a couple of tags to catch up on. Kerri tagged me with a tag to show the fifth pic from the fifth pic file so here it is: It's Conner smooching his sister. Not the clearest photo, but the sentiment is there! Also In Time Out gave me an honest scrap award (soooo cool- thanks, love it!) but I have to name 10 honest things about myself. I just named eight random, but detailed facts about me, so I will keep this brief.
1-I have a temper
2-I feel bad about that
3-I can be sarcastic
4-I painted my toe nails and finger nails black in honor of my surgery
5-I don't paint my nails very well
6-I really want to jump out of an airplane
7-I don't like to cook
8-I like to win
9-I don't like to lose (yah, I really, really DON'T, but I try to be polite :D)
10-I check all the time to see if more people are following my blog...is that honest enough???
Thanks so much to all that have and if you haven't yet, just take a moment and click the mouse...it only takes a second. You don't even have to check my blog EVERY day or anything...it can be every other day...I won't mind :) hee hee (I'm pathetic)

*Also, my hubby has been a gem through this whole ordeal! The kids have both been sick, I've been down and I know he is just exhausted! Thanks babe!

'Gall'y What A Day

2008-12-02T15:23:00.000-08:00

Oh Gallbladder we used to be so close. I admit I never really knew you all that well at first, but this last little while we’ve spent some quality time together. I know you must have been one of my favorite organs to hang out with. Your function of storing all my lovely Bile was much appreciated. I admit I really resented it when you brought your friend ‘Stone’ into the picture. Did you really have to introduce him to me on Thanksgiving and did it have to be in the ER? It wasn’t that I was jealous, but things started feeling a little crowded between us. At 1.6 centimeters he really threw his weight around. I wish he could have left us, but you made your choice and now I’m going to have to ask both of you to leave. I wish you could just go quietly and that there need not have been a third party involved, but I’m going to need some help when you move out. I’m actually going to need to throw some money at you (money that was earmarked for Christmas I might add) to help with the final goodbyes. I want you to know that I will miss you and I wish you and Stone the best. Oh by the way, thank you for the five pounds you’ve helped me to lose. It’s funny how your last meal requests have been applesauce, PLAIN noodles and alfalfa sprouts. We have until Thursday, so think about what activities you’d like to do together until then…sleeping…not eating…not drinking…resting…lying around. Yes, yes, Stone can come too…but only until Thursday. I’m already talking to my new favorite organ Small Intestines about Bile and I think once I introduce them they will make a beautiful couple. Dang, I HOPE they get along well! I’m not nervous at all, no not ONE LITTLE BIT. (oooohhhhh)

On Gratitude Part 2

2008-11-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

I am grateful:

I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. He is my dearest friend and my rock and my strength.

I am grateful for my handsome, passionate, intelligent husband and best friend.

I am grateful for a little boy who makes me want to be better every day (and who just won the Geography Bee in his class)

I am grateful for a little girl who is just like me and who keeps me on my toes

I am grateful for a calling that requires me to stretch and grow beyond any capability I have

I am grateful for dear friends who walk shoulder to shoulder with me through this life

I am grateful for my pain and weakness which helps me rely on the God who gives me breath

I am grateful for this beautiful holiday in which gratitude is celebrated and which reminds me that I need to remember to be grateful every day.

I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving and thank you for your friendship, your stories you have shared with me, and your talents in writing, photography and wit. I am grateful for all of you.

It's All About ME

2008-11-22T21:19:00.000-08:00

Ok I got tagged by my cute new bloggy buddy Tink. So here are 8 facts about me that I know that you cannot exist another second without knowing!! Let me put you out of your misery...

1)People sometimes call me for random Hollywood facts. Can't remember who plays an obscure part in an obscure movie? I'm you girl. Even if I haven't seen the movie, odds are I still know about it. Yes, I follow entertainment news and not just current stuff. I love old Hollywood as well-classic movies rock!
2)My nickname is Clarabella Firewoman. I am ridiculously delighted with it! I picked it up one year at a little place called girls camp and it stuck. Before I knew it people knew me as Clara instead of Rachel. If you want to make my day call me Clara (weird I know) I guess in all my moving around it's from a time and place that holds the happiest memories for me.
3) So along with that I have moved 19 times in my life. I have lived in 4 different states and the longest I have lived anywhere is 4 years. That was hard for me in not establishing deep roots, but I have loved, loved, loved the opportunity of all the friendships I have made along the way.
4)I took acting lessons as a kid. We lived in So. CA and I tried out for a McDonald's commercial. I was so nervous, I laughed through the whole thing. Drat! I could have been a star...Unfortunately, my only time on stage has been in ward roadshows (once as a dancing road cone...my proudest moment-sniff)
5)I love to write. I have been writing since the second grade when I wrote my first poem entitled "I Love My Baby Brother." Pretty professional stuff. I belong to a writing group and we critique each others work and it's something I try to make a priority in my life.
6)I went to junior high with Jaleel White. Remember Steve Erkel?? (snort, snort) I ate lunch with him everyday before he played a famous TV nerd- back then he was only in Apple Jacks commercials...hopefully I wasn't his inspiration...you know Junior high is an awkward stage and all.
7)My hubby and I got stopped by the secret service for filming footage of the Senate chambers. Yes you just read that sentence correctly. Oh, you're NOT supposed to do that?! They confiscated the camera and the battery died right then. Shoot...um, we are really nice people...kinda dumb...don't kill us...or take away our social security number. Luckily, my hubby is a Steeler's fan (is that really lucky?) Apparently, they respected that and let us go. Phew!!
8)I once worked as the Boots and Jeans girl at Reams...it doesn't get any more ironic than that. It was my first job and if there is any one person in the world who shouldn't have had that job...it is me. "These snake skin boots have real leather uppers...and would you like a belt buckle the size of a dinner plate with that?" Good times...

I am going to tag 8 friends if you want to play: Kerri, Melissa, Mindi, Bonnie, Cami, Angie, Lyndy, and Kimberly

Pasty Bloodsuckers And The Women Who Love Them

2008-11-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

I’m going to the midnight showing of Twilight. A woman rented out a theater…no screaming teenagers, just screaming mommies? I just found out the ticket includes pizza, candy and a water bottle (sweet) Heck she would just have me at the water bottle, but midnight sugar and cheese…priceless. I’m hoping we are all on our best behavior and that there’s no pushing, shoving, or snoring (cuz face it we’ve already had a full day and Robert Pattison isn’t enough to keep all of us awake.) I'm excited to be with friends and for the adventure of it. And if it’s not good (which would just be SHOCKING :) or if it is, which also would be a bit shocking) either way…I’m going to the midnight showing of TWILIGHT!!

PS- I’m really looking forward to seeing Daniel Craig...er, um... Quantum of Solace-anyone seen it yet and what did you think? Honestly, even if you hated it, I'm still going to need to go see Daniel Craig... Also I can’t wait to see The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Read the book first, it’s fabulous!!

The World's Longest Sentence (English majors I'm apologizing now!)

2008-11-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

You know when it's late at night and you've only got healthy snacks 'cuz you're addicted to sugar and you sneak up into your kid's room and quietly borrow...take...steal a Kitkat which turns into seven, but then they're all gone and you realize there's only jugi fruit and candy lips and he'll notice, oh he'll know his own mother is a thief, unless he thinks the baby did it and you make a promise to yourself that you'll buy a whole bag tomorrow and just dump it in his sack and he'll never know the difference and how awful that you're taking candy from well you know the proverbial phrase, but he's not a baby, and you'd never really take candy from a baby because she would just happily hand it to you and trade it for a binky, and you sigh with relief as you finish off the last of your baby's teddy grahams...yah, me too.

Kleptos and Ferretts and Dustpans...OH MY

2008-11-09T19:05:00.000-08:00

Did the title suck you in??? Well, did it? I remember back in the day when I actually used to scrapbook :) that my favorite thing was the titles. I had such compelling ones like 'The Benjamin Bunch on a Bench' and 'Rub a Dub Dub There's a Bub in the Tub'. Professional, huh? But this fascinating bit of trivia actually has NOTHING to do with my actual post so here goes:

AHEM...Dear friends would you do me the honor of taking a short, yet informative multiple choice quiz? If you get all the answers right there is no real prize, except finally getting through this post...

What items are currently missing at casa Benjamin?

A-the remote control

B-daddy’s glasses

C-dustpan for the kitchen broom

D-mommy’s favorite concealer

E-all of the above and a bunch of things undiscovered as of this posting

What items have been “misplaced,” but later found?

A-most of mommy’s jewelry

B-all clean clothes folded in the purple bedroom’s drawers

C-dirty cups from the dishwasher

D-Conner’s homework

E-yes, you guessed it all of the above

Who is the perpetrator to these crimes?

A-a pack of nearsighted, makeup wearing, tv watching wolves

B-Wynona Ryder

C-a ferret infestation

D-Her-------------------)

E-all of the above, now wouldn’t that be funny?

What should the sentence be?

A-we tried jail, but she tore down her surroundings

B-three more years (she’ll outgrown kleptomania eventually)

C-give everything we own to the Goodwill

D-ACTUALLY BABY PROOF THE HOUSE????

E- enjoy every moment cuz it all goes by way too fast :D

Soldiers and Rappers

2008-10-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

Our FHE (family home evening) lesson was about putting on the whole armor of God. It went really well. Tony gave a great lesson and talked about us standing together as a family and fortifying ourselves against the evils of the world and how to protect ourselves against temptation and despair and being prepared. Good job hon, it was one of the best lessons we've ever had, actually. We collected armor for the young'uns and Conner was looking soldieresque (do you love my liberal use of the English language?) Really ready to face the world there kiddo. A shining beacon during dark times. Now because each child needs an equal chance to put on that armor of righteousness we also collected (leftovers) for the other child in our family. Nothing says preparation like rain boots, a bicycle helmet, and brother's old basketball shorts. In fact when all was said and done, she looked a bit like MC Hammer (does that date me or what?) That's either a shield or one serious piece of bling!

What has been your favorite FHE? You know you want to tell me...besides I love new ideas!

Baby Bird

2008-10-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

Need I say more? Excuse me while I go dig up some worms to bring back to this nest...

Love Is A Many Splendid Thing

2008-10-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

First off, my brother David and his darling Beth got married on Thursday. What a beautiful couple and what a beautiful day. Now I have friendly children, right? They saw the love between these two people and wanted to find a piece of this happiness. My charming son met a sweet little girl and the two instantly hit it off. Check out the pic of my boy and check out the eyes, the hands.
I think he's smitten... Never one to be outdone, my girl CC decided to get in on the action. She and a little friend circled each other for a moment. CC had a beautiful corsage and I thought for sure the two would get into a fight over it. Thank heavens for my brother in law and his camera, cuz the next thing I know the two gave each other a big kiss. Now everyone had had a lot of punch to drink...CC was pretty high on frosting. Still, love can be spontaneous and what better place than a reception, a celebration of two souls beginning life's journey together to bring out those moments of affection for another person.

Witchy Woman

2008-10-14T19:13:00.001-07:00

Remember the playwright I met this summer? Tony got over it, but he did get kind of friendly with a gal on a bench tonight.
I don't know, but I am thinking cute couple. Maybe I should move over... Ok we were going to go to the pumpkin patch, but my brother is getting married on Thursday and they are having pumpkins at the luncheon for decorations, so we are good on the pumpkins. So tonight we decided to head on over to Gardner village. Conner was navigating when we got there... "Mom we are heading southeast" and upon seeing the flattened witch against the silo "Mom, is she going to get in trouble for being up there?" CC was in witchy heaven. They have a witch using the outhouse and CC pointed at her and said "POTTY!" (Hallelujah, maybe we can potty train her early....honey, if the witch can do it...) She saw some ducks and geese and ponies and little baby boys and went after all of them. If you haven't been there yet this year, check it out. They've added a lot and it's well worth it. If only for the photo ops!

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

2008-10-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love this time of year! I love the fall colors, the harvest decorations. Halloween is a favorite for me. I am always looking for new pumpkin decorating ideas and I know a lot of you might be too. A friend had this link on her blog and there are some amazing ideas for this year's pumpkins. I am a very visual person and I love colors and textures. These pics were some of my favorites that I saw. What are your favorite ways to decorate you family's pumpkins?

Here is the link.

Happy decorating! If you have a fun idea or do something wild and crazy this year with your pumpkin, post pics. Now I just need to go to the pumpkin patch and get some!!

Now That's Refreshing

2008-10-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

So I have this parent's handbook. I wrote it. The first rule is that I am no longer a mommy after 8pm. Now before you say "Rachel that is awful!" let me make my case. The first rule helps me get up the next day. The first rule helps me follow all the other rules I have written like not going crazy, not medicating myself with chocolate (well that rule gets broken, so that doesn't count) giving my best from 6:30 AM to 8 PM. I ADORE my kids, but when it's bedtime, it's bedtime and I don't look back. Give me all the hugs and kisses you can, but Sianara, Au Revoir, Buenos Nochas it's Daddy and Mommy time...it's mommy recharging when let's be honest, sleep is not enough to do that, not really. It's reconnecting to the essence that makes me ME. Writing, reading, chatting, creating, listening, pondering, laughing, remembering. And when 6:30 AM comes again, I hold the little ones close, grateful for every second with them... because I feel refreshed again. (DISCLAIMER:) "Refreshed" at 6:30 AM may be pushing it just a bit....

A Fairy Tale

2008-10-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess. She was having a bad day. There was much crying, head butting and attacking of inanimate objects in the land. Her royal nursemaid was on scullery duty and the distressed princess began to relax. She climbed into the apparatus for cleaning off caked on foodstuffs and began pulling out the dirty goblets and placing them back into the cupboards. The weeping and wailing had ceased and the nursemaid was happy. Now the nursemaid realized after capturing the sheer moments of joy, that the royal dagger was near the princess as she worked so please do not call all the king's horses and all the king's men. It was promptly removed and the princess was unharmed...until she head butted a drawer.

Good Reads

2008-09-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

Annalisa had posted this on her blog and I wanted to post my list here as well. It seems to have a nice mix between classics and modern, but there are still so many missing. Maybe it needs to be a top 500 :) How many have you read? Post your own list if you want to. I have really enjoyed Good Reads because I am reading more than I ever have (and keeping track of my books) as well as seeing what all my friends love to read. Thanks for all the great book suggestions everyone!!

Here’s what you do:
Bold those you have read.
Italicize those you intend to read.
Underline the books you LOVE .

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible*
7 Wuthering Heights-Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Hundred Eighty Four-George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller*
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (most)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy (haven't finished)
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brides head Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Just Because...

2008-09-26T11:04:00.001-07:00

The day before Tony started his new job, which he loves by the way, we just had a spontaneous day. We had no plans in the morning and found ourselves up on the East Bench in a park eating blueberry muffins and holding hands. This was followed up by a morning game of miniature golf. I highly recommend going on a Monday morning (there was NO ONE there-so nice) Anyway, TWO hole in ones later by the red head in the twosome who hasn't played in ten years, though might be the next Tiger Woods, and we were ready for Zupas. Yes, that little piece of heaven capped off with the chocolate dipped strawberry no less. We headed over and picked up Conner from school early (a real treat) and headed up to the Alpine Slide. IT was picturesque and there was joy on my little boy's face for it had been a total surprise and he has never been. We raced down and followed it up with a bungee bounce for him (should've taken pics on the other side to see his face) and a bit of window shopping at the outlets and we pretty much had the perfect day.

Tag Your It

2008-09-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

Thanks Bonnie- it's been a while since I've been tagged. Before I respond, I wanted to tell you more about my previous post. I found this website and it finds your celebrity twin. I kid you not, my #1 look alike according to their "scientific process" was Paris Hilton...(crickets are chirping now and your jaw has fallen down to the basement) Yah, cuz I always thought she was my long lost twin!! :O That's why I went with their #2 choice of Emma Thompson- I still don't see it, but it was still fun.

Ok back to the tag: 6 quirks I have-

1) I will only eat the middle of meat (especially if I have seen it raw) If you give me a piece of chicken I trim off all the edges. I don't enjoy meat very much and the fat on meat (never gonna happen) I was at a stranger's house one Thanksgiving and I got some gristle in my mouth...I'm still not over it.

2) I'm superstitious. I knock on wood and make a wish every time I look at a clock and it says 1:11
(Conner's birthday) I used to do something every time I drove over a railroad track, but I can't remember what that was and luckily I gave that one up. :)

3) I am obsessed with flossing my teeth. I look forward to it. It is my favorite part of getting ready for bed every night. In fact, probably because I overdue it (if that's possible), my gums are now receding. Too much of a good thing I guess.

4) I have no idea what direction I'm facing at any given time. I'm not very good at giving or getting directions. I use map quest a whole bunch more than I'd like to admit. Maybe it's the California girl in me, but I still think 3 houses down from the lamp post is easier than 10076972 South and 10 billion West.

5) I named my daughter's middle name Grace because I don't have any. If there is a wall six feet away I will hit it with my elbow. If there is one pebble on the street I will stumble on it and if we are walking towards each other from opposite directions, we might as well 'dance.' I always choose the wrong direction if I have to make a choice about how to avoid hitting the oncoming individual. It's strange...does it have to do with my lack of direction??? Hmmm.

6) If I see a cop I turn into Bambi. Let me explain what that means. If a cope is near me in the car my eyes widen (not in fear), but in earnestness. They take on a gentle expression like a child on the front row listening attentively to the teacher. I smile ever so gently, not too widely with just a hint of serenity and my hands immediately adopt the 10 and 2 o'clock position. I must feel guilty or something...

So there you have it and I'm sure there's 200 more but those are some highlights!! If you guys want to play, then I tag Cami, Lara and Donna.

Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

2008-09-19T12:07:00.001-07:00

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Family search - Family history

Road Rage

2008-09-18T15:09:00.000-07:00

I really need to know if others are feeling the same way I am. With all the construction around our home, and everywhere else it seems as if people in general out there are getting angrier on the road. I have had NUMEROUS people cut me off, blatantly turn in front of me so that I have to come to a complete stop, etc. etc. etc. and every detour I take is the same way. Yes I know this is normal, but do you think it's gotten worse lately? When I took a walk and saw the construction trucks lined up along a little road in our neighborhood too I wanted to cry. For some unknown reason they have blocked off the right turn lane onto the main highway as well. Who remembers when the state of Utah had a party because construction was over (with our tax dollars I'm sure) Why do they have to do it all at once? I understand that our roads are atrocious, but I'm ready to move out to the middle of nowhere. It really makes me realize how congested and crowded this town has really become and you know what? I'm not sure I'm enjoying it. This is what I do know: I will not leave my driveway without a word of prayer not only that my kids and I will stay safe out there, but that I will stay sane. Maybe I will invest in a horse and buggy and move to Amish country. Can you tell it's been a day??

Flashback Friday

2008-09-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

About 5 months after Tony and I were married, he got an internship at a senator's office in Washington D.C. We packed our Honda CRX with all our earthly possessions (two suitcases full) and hightailed it out of Logan. Our adventures en route to the east coast and the four months we spent there I will leave for another post. On our way back to Utah the car broke down in Wheeling, West Virginia on a Friday about 5:30 pm. Unfortunately for us, the mechanic would not be in his shop until 9 am the following Monday. Wheeling is an old coal mining town and a shell of it's former
self which I'm sure back in the day was a flourishing, beautiful city. There are probably many nice parts of the town, which unfortunately we didn't see being trapped in one central location. The whole place seemed to be covered in coal dust and we were the ONLY guests at the rundown hotel. We asked the woman at the desk, who seemed amused to see a very young couple staying for the weekend, what there was to do nearby since we had no car. "Well, you've got a couple of choices," she said. "There's a Denny's restaurant and a dirty bookstore down the street." "Great!" I cried. "We love to read." She smiled widely and we headed in the direction she told us. Now as I mentioned a thick layer of dust was in the air and made everything look gray. We wondered how old and dingy the bookstore would be. I didn't mind as long as the books weren't too expensive and that they cleaned the inside of the store. We saw it up ahead. Tony stopped me in my tracks. "There's the 'dirty' bookstore." I averted my gaze from the line of X's all along the windows. Oh yah, she wasn't kidding-that was one DIRTY bookstore all right. We turned on our heels and trudged straight into the adventure of eating from a Denny's for the next 9 meals of our apparently immature and naive lives. So the moral of the story- no matter how gray and dusty the town is you're stuck in, only read the postcards...the bookstore needs to be cleaned.
ps...only one channel on the old tv set- I learned A LOT about livestock and tractors- really, it's come in handy...really...

IT Happened

2008-09-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Tony got a job today...

Duh...

2008-09-08T17:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight at dinner:

CC- Night night! (She knows it's time for bed after we eat- we've trained her well:)

Tony-yes CC is going night night.

me- She can say banana now Tony. CC say banana.

CC-banana

me-that sounds an awful lot like night night- think she knows the difference?

Tony-is CC going banana?

CC-(as clear as a bell and with an incredulous look on her face) No, night night.

I Am So Impressed

2008-09-03T21:26:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, I will be voting for her.

On Gratitude

2008-09-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

My heart is full an awful lot. I am grateful every day. I live my little life in the cloistered world I dwell in and I am constantly overcome with profound manifestations of joy. I have learned after many years that it is all about love. It is during those times that I forget this that I struggle to find my place and I dwell too much on myself. I am always unhappy when I am selfish or hold back and I have to adjust my bearings and get back on course quickly to find my peace again. I am deeply moved as I ponder the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. In Him I rejoice. In Him I rely. Only through Him do I remember who I am and who I can become. He provides me with breath, with sight, with stamina, with the ability to comprehend beauty and inspiration. He has given me my weakness so that I will partake of His strength. He has blessed me with pain so that every day I will call upon His name and remember from whom all my blessings flow. I love Him with all that I am.

My Mosaic (I'm trying this again)

2008-08-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

A Mosaic to Describe Yourself
Follow these directions and then post it to your blog!
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search. http://www.flickr.com/search/
2. Using only the first page, pick an image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker. Go to http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php (choose four columns and three rows)
Type the answer to each of the questions below in the search line and choose a picture from the first page of results that come up. Then you click on the pic, copy the link into the mosaic website

Questions:
1. What is your first name? Rachel
2. What is your favorite food? Pasta Salad
3. What school did you go to? BYU-Idaho
4. What is your favorite color? Red
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Kevin Spacey-weird I know
6. Favorite drink? Water
7. Dream vacation? Italy
8. Favorite dessert? Cinnamon Roll
9. What you want to be when you grow up? A Writer
10. What do you love most in life? Jesus Christ
11. One word to describe you? Passionate
12. Your nickname? Fire Woman

1. Perfume - Rachel Hurd-Wood in bed, 2. SouthWest Chicken Pasta Salad, 3. BYU-Idaho (14), 4. Summer Berries Red Current01, 5. Kevin Spacey, 6. Tap Water, 7. Italien - Venedig / Italy - Venice 1.625☺066 Wandeln in Historie - stepped in history, 8. Hot, homemade cinnamon roll, 9. writer's teeth, 10. Jesus Christ, Mormon Temple, Salt Lake City, Utah, 11. passionate sky and quiet sea, 12. Fire Woman Three.jpg

School Daze

2008-08-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

It finally happened. Conner's first day of second grade was on Monday. He absolutely loves it and is excited every day to go.
I love it too. Love the teacher, love the curriculum, don't love the pickup everyday. The whole process of commuting, and waiting our turn takes about an hour. Drop off is another 45 minutes. It's worth it though because we love this school so much.
CC is not used to being in the car as much as she has been this week and we took her seat out of the car and had it in the house last night and she walked over to it and was still sitting in it.
No honey, you don't have to be in your car seat anymore tonight. It will all start again tomorrow!

Hair Care

2008-08-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Johnson and Johnson Representative:
I am requesting information regarding my hair. It just keeps growing and I am not sure what to do about it. The woman who cares for me seems unable to cope with or manage it well and unfortunately it ends up in my eyes. She will often try something cute, but I feel compelled to rip it out immediately thereafter.
I need an easier daily style to fit my lifestyle and mood.
Maybe you can tell me what I am doing wrong.
I begin washing it like this:

Then I style it so:

I end up with this hairstyle, but it only works for casual Fridays.

Any information you can give me would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Cecilia Benjamin

Shakespeare In Love

2008-08-17T16:35:00.000-07:00

SHHHH....Don't tell my husband but I met another man this weekend.

My friend Jeana and I compared notes and we both met up with the same guy. He's an amazing writer, has a great wit and is adored by millions.

Our kids even liked him. Oh well, we will just have to share him with the world.

Jeana and I took the kids to see Taming of the Shrew down at the Shakespeare festival. We had a blast! It was so much fun to get away and both we and the kids had a great time! We are going to make it a yearly tradition.

This Is What I Really Think Of These People

2008-08-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

Cecilia:

A tiny tempestuous epiphany

An explosion of will

The life of the party without trying too hard

Passionate, manipulative, beautiful

A scream that eats at my soul

Conner:

An ancient soul worthy of a seat

Around the stone tables of philosophy

Disarming in ability and insight

Fair, reticent, compassionate

Eyes that take me to my Maker

Tony:

As Galahad of old, he seeks the grail

Of a prematurely wrinkled heart and deeply drinks

Unflinching he faces the storm

Velvet intelligence drips with ambition unfulfilled

His hand holds endless possibility

The REAL Swimming Lessons

2008-07-29T12:26:00.000-07:00

My first mommy and me class...really. I thought we were supposed to learn something. They informed me that I was supposed to teach my daughter, the teacher is just there to observe.
So here's what I'm NOT going to teach Cecilia.
Lesson #1
Before going to a pool, make sure you have tanned to a nice golden crisp
Lesson #2
You must have acquired a killer body before daring to stuff yourself into a swimsuit
Lesson #3
When you invariably see all the people you know at the pool and the time comes to strip down to your suit, just forget the whole thing and go running off still wearing your husband's t-shirt and the biggest beach towel you can find for support.

Here's what I WILL teach her:
Lesson #1
Have fun and don't cling to mommy with your teeth- really you'll break the skin!
Lesson #2
Mommy's swimsuit really does need to cover mommy so please don't yank it up, down or sideways
Lesson #3
Mommy needs to learn to swim better herself so perhaps you should ignore lesson #1 after all...

A Fish Story

2008-07-14T18:55:00.000-07:00

We said goodbye to a plecostomus today. For those of you who aren't sure what that is, it's an algae eating fish. A neighbor gave us a 35 gallon aquarium (lucky :) My two men were thrilled and began filling it with mollies, guppies, catfish and a goldfish. Conner spent a while naming them all and the plecostomas was named Shiblon because that is Conner's favorite son of Alma. (now you know) Unfortunately, Shiblon did not last long. When it became apparent that he had reached a higher sphere, Tony told Conner they needed to flush him. Conner was adamant that Shiblon receive a proper burial. So we dug a very very deep hole in the backyard and had a funeral. Conner said his favorite memory was Shiblon's long fin. Now I am going to make you all a promise here and now. I will not under any circumstance document all the fish the tank will lose over the months-weeks-days, but I do find myself drawn to the tank to check on the others. I love that my boy I adore cares so much about a small swimming creature, every pill bug he sees, butterflies and birds, all the neighbors cats... Truly childhood is magical and I am glad that when we experience it again through our children's eyes, sometimes it rubs off... if even just a little bit. RIP Shiblon.

Walk CC Walk

2008-07-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

So, I know that one day CC will choose to walk. She takes steps alone, but just seems bored by the whole prospect. She would much rather be held or do the army crawl or even veg out in front of Elmo. When she gets accolades and applause she likes that a lot. Everyone keeps telling me that she will when she's ready, but what if she's not ready for a long time? I saw this show on the Discovery channel once about a family who never learned to walk and were adults that walked on all fours!! I know she will soon enough, but if one day your kids have a little friend who crawls after them on play dates tell her it's time to come home... I have dinner ready.
A shout out to Conner- thank you for being so patient and giving to your little sis. She adores you and I love watching the two of you together!!

A Good Thing

2008-07-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today friends and neighbors in our neighborhood came together to show support and friendship to a family in our ward. They are getting deported back to England and though they did everything legally and were above board always in their intentions, because of an error their lawyer made are banned from our country for the next ten years. This family is warm, compassionate, funny and down to earth. It would truly be a loss for us if they had to go. The crews of channel 4 and 5 news were there today interviewing the family and friends and mentioned how impressed they were at how many showed up. As we were leaving the newscaster was calling the personal number of a famous radio personality to see if he would pick up the story as well on his show. I am so grateful to belong to such a wonderful neighborhood where everyone supports one another. I am thankful to live in a free country where if you stand together and speak out you can make a difference. I pray that it does for this wonderful family. I don't know how to do it right, but if you click the long rectangular box above this post it will link you to the ksl.com news video.

Our Family Reunion

2008-06-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend we got together with my extended family. We don't get the opportunity to see them very often, so it was precious time we were able to spend together. They came from California, Colorado and New Mexico and were able to stay for a couple of days. They included my parents, siblings and spouses and my mom's aunt and uncle, their daughter, her son and wife and son (got that? :) Also there were my mom's only sis, her husband, their daughter and her son. I can't forget my grandfather and his cousin who was also able to come. We had so much fun and though we aren't a big family, I feel close to all of them and love them all so much. Thank you to everyone for coming. God bless you all!

I Love To See The Temple

2008-06-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

It was early and the sun was bright in the eyes, but we were so happy to get the kids pics taken in front of the new temple. It is so close to our house and growing up in California I never dreamed that one day I would live in a town with two temples. I love that my kids get to watch it being built right in front of them. We are truly blessed.

The Next Page

2008-06-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

Conner and I went to his new school today for the first time. I had to fill out all the paperwork and he needed to have some assessments. I was delighted at how nice the facilities are and how friendly the staff is. It has been a long and sometimes lonely road this year and I am more thrilled than I know how to express that he will have this opportunity. He is so excited and found out who his teacher will be and checked out his classroom and the playground (all the really important stuff :) I have loved our time together and I am grateful that both of us are beginning this new chapter.

My Daughter's Angel

2008-06-22T12:52:00.000-07:00

My daughter is named after my aunt Cecilia. This is her wedding pic taken right before she died. I think she was absolutely beautiful and I knew I needed to name my only daughter after her. I have this picture hanging up in my Cecilia's nursery so she always knows the angel for whom she is named. This second picture is my birthday present. A photograph of the Salt Lake temple where Tony and I were married. I am usually very frugal, but I was overjoyed when he brought this home to me :) Thanks babe!!

Having a Ball

2008-06-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

My brother is staying with us for awhile. My kids adore him because he doesn't hesitate to play with them whenever he can. I am grateful for this time we have with him and the relationship he has with Conner and CC. By the way, Conner loves basketball and has been practicing a lot!!

Tag Your It Again

2008-06-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

I know, I know I just did one of these, but I will indulge again. Love this blogging world :D

Have you ever...
Gone on a blind date? yes...some fun, and some the stuff of nightmares
Skipped school? Oh yah- 10th grade PE and 11th grade Drama come to mind
Watched someone die? I was with my grandma at the end- one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had
Been to Canada? we drove all the way up the coast when I was growing up and it took 20 hours with very few stops- we entered Canada and my dad turned the car back around and we drove back- go figure...
Been to Mexico? nope, that's not on my list of dream vacations actually, though I would like to see Mayan ruins, Book of Mormon tour, that sort of thing
Been to Florida? NO-sniff, sniff
Been on a plane? yes like to go somewhere now
Been lost? yes- the worst was in DC with no map and no cell phone and knowing no one and late at night in a really BAD part of town- I was blessed that night
Been on the opposite side of the country? yes
Gone to Washington, D.C.? We 15 min away right after we first got married for about four months- love it out there
Swam in the ocean? Yes
Cried yourself to sleep? Yes
Played cops and robbers? Yes
Recently colored with crayons? It's been awhile
Sang Karaoke? No, but I am game to do this- I would love to do it with a group of friends... hint hint
Paid for a meal with coins only? Yes, they looove that!
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Made prank phone calls? Yes
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Danced in the rain? Yes
Written a letter to Santa Claus? Yes
Been kissed under the mistletoe? Yes
Watched the sunrise with someone you care about? I am never up early enough, but I will... how romantic :)
Blown bubbles? Yes
Gone ice-skating? Yes
Been skinny dipping outdoors? Yes

1. Any nicknames? Clara Bella Fire Woman, Rache' Lache'
2. Mother's name? Peggy
3. Favorite Drink? Water
4. Tattoo? No
5. Body Piercing? No
6. How much do you love your job? Love being a mom
7. Birthplace? CA
8. Favorite vacation spot? Anywhere that's away and with people I love
9. Ever been to Africa? No, but someday I hope
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? No, but have served chocolate cake when Tony was away- Conner was still hungry so we had seconds
11. Ever been on TV? I was on the news when I was a kid in a news story about a fish hatchery in Idaho- I was in the studio audience of Punky Brewster and animal show in the late eighties, though no one ever sees them. I tried out for a McDonalds commercial- does that count :)
12. Ever steal any traffic signs? No, but hmmm....
13. Ever been in a car accident? Oh yah
14. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 door
15. Favorite salad dressing? ranch
16. Favorite pie? peach
17. Favorite number? 11
18. Favorite movie? Gone with the Wind
19. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving
20. Favorite dessert? Cinnamon rolls- Lyndys
21. Favorite food? pasta salad
22. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
23. Favorite brand of body wash? Ok this will sound funny, but Love Spell by Victoria's Secret- it smells so good I want to eat my own arm :D
24. Favorite toothpaste? Colgate (Bonnie I seriously thought you were going to say blue :D
25. Favorite smell? a baby's head
26. What do you do to relax? Talk to a friend, walk, play the piano, write, listen to music, read
27. How do you see yourself in 10 years? With teenagers! Hopefully with a degree and working in the temple a lot-
28. Who are you tagging? Cami, Crystal and Dave

My View

2008-06-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my dear, darling friend Kristell today and wishing she could come visit me. I have been able to visit her in California and see her life, but thought it might be fun for all my friends who live out of state and haven't been able to visit me yet, to see my life (or at least my surroundings) I took several pics of the house and the view so you can get a better sense of what I see every day.

Waxing Sentimental

2008-06-17T22:23:00.001-07:00

I have so many people in my life that I love so dearly. I have been blessed with angel friends. I have lived so many places and collected kindred spirits along the way. Thank you, thank you for standing by me, for making me laugh (that's an important one), for giving me a shoulder, for all the adventures. I could write a paragraph on each one of you and list all the ways you've made an impact and just make my life better by being in it, but it's very late at night and I should be in bed!

I Was Tagged

2008-06-17T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've never been tagged- wow what an honor Cami :)

Food: Name a favorite food/flavor combo.

pasta salad, pasta salad, pasta salad

Music: If you could only have 3 cds to listen to for the rest of your life, what would they be?

Consider the Lilies by the MoTab- it got me through some rough times, Hopes and Fears by Keane, and haven't heard the new cd by Coldplay, but I love the single Viva La Vida so much I just may pick it for the song. Hm... I hope it's good then if I only have three...

Home: Think of your cooking/baking methods. Is there anything about what you do that drives you crazy?

I always spill everything- I can't seem to not make a mess :)

Choices: Is there something you chose to do, but almost didn't, and are grateful that you did?Name this near-regret.

marrying my husband is the biggest one- almost every time I take a chance or reach out in some way the dividends have been huge.

Parenting: Name something you have said to your child(ren) recently that was taken right from your parents' playbook.

Wow this is a hard one... I try so hard not to do this

Season: Name the most refreshing thing about summer.

The evenings spent outside with friends

We Love Our Daddy

2008-06-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Father's day. We sure did and I want to take this opportunity to let my amazing hubby know how grateful I am that he is the father of my children and my best friend. I also want my own dad to know that I think he is pretty great and I love to see him with the kids. I love you guys!

Music For The Soul

2008-06-15T22:58:00.000-07:00

I have been playing the piano again. I took lessons for ten years and loved it. I haven't been able to play for a long time because of my TOS (too painful), but the other day I sat and played for almost an hour. I played songs I had composed in college, and classical pieces I have always adored and even though I did hurt when I was done, I felt so exhilarated and alive. My kids sat and listened- they never hear me play. CC even tried to dance. I can't wait to see what role music will have in her life. She was born with it in her soul.

And So It Begins

2008-06-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

We are finally taking the plunge and joining the blogging world. I am hoping this will be a fun and easy way to keep in touch with loved ones and friends. I am sure I will find so many of you already doing this, so any tips would be greatly appreciated. I am truly so blessed with a wonderful, supportive husband and two darling, loving children. This is the best time of my life and I am excited to share just a little piece of it with you.